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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off

Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how he spent his recovery time.

  • Visited Pittsburgh-area children's hospitals; drooled on the patients
  • Finding himself in the storerooms of New Mexico VFW halls with no idea how he got there
  • Looking up open-mouthed as he felt it beginning to rain; nearly drowning
  • Practiced tying his ice skates by himself so Mario Lemieux wouldn't have to do it before every game anymore
  • Wrote all of the lyrics to the newest Dave Matthews album
  • Often woke from dream that he was sweating, vomiting, and falling and was relieved to find he was sweating, vomiting, and convulsing
  • In an effort to stay in shape, ran several miles a day, usually into a wall
  • Was completely surprised to learn an entire year had passed

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