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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off

Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how he spent his recovery time.

  • Visited Pittsburgh-area children's hospitals; drooled on the patients
  • Finding himself in the storerooms of New Mexico VFW halls with no idea how he got there
  • Looking up open-mouthed as he felt it beginning to rain; nearly drowning
  • Practiced tying his ice skates by himself so Mario Lemieux wouldn't have to do it before every game anymore
  • Wrote all of the lyrics to the newest Dave Matthews album
  • Often woke from dream that he was sweating, vomiting, and falling and was relieved to find he was sweating, vomiting, and convulsing
  • In an effort to stay in shape, ran several miles a day, usually into a wall
  • Was completely surprised to learn an entire year had passed

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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