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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off

Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how he spent his recovery time.

  • Visited Pittsburgh-area children's hospitals; drooled on the patients
  • Finding himself in the storerooms of New Mexico VFW halls with no idea how he got there
  • Looking up open-mouthed as he felt it beginning to rain; nearly drowning
  • Practiced tying his ice skates by himself so Mario Lemieux wouldn't have to do it before every game anymore
  • Wrote all of the lyrics to the newest Dave Matthews album
  • Often woke from dream that he was sweating, vomiting, and falling and was relieved to find he was sweating, vomiting, and convulsing
  • In an effort to stay in shape, ran several miles a day, usually into a wall
  • Was completely surprised to learn an entire year had passed

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