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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds. Here are some other recent FTC decisions:

  • Nintendo: Ordered to pay $10 million because FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz thought Super Mario Galaxy 2 was way too hard
  • Taco Bell: Forced to pay $0.99 to Kyle Parker of Louisville, KY, for not being as Mexilicious as the static cling sticker on the window promised
  • Kraft: Fined $215 million for failing to disclose the grisly consequences of consuming Lunchables after 3 p.m.
  • Red Bull: Refunded $4.24 to truck driver Craig Peterson, who drove from Seattle to Miami without feeling particularly awake
  • Slim Jim: Paid $1.99 to Rob Paulo after he snapped into the product only to find some weird red stuff leaking out
  • 1-800-FLOWERS: All customers of the floral retail site are eligible for a $5 refund after a class-action lawsuit decided in favor of the plaintiffs who were successfully able to show that flowers are merely an empty gesture
  • Georgia-Pacific: Ordered to include disclaimer that wrapping fists and biceps in Brawny paper towels provides no advantage in a bar fight
  • CBS: Ordered to pay $20 million for continuously jerking viewers around about who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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