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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds. Here are some other recent FTC decisions:

  • Nintendo: Ordered to pay $10 million because FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz thought Super Mario Galaxy 2 was way too hard
  • Taco Bell: Forced to pay $0.99 to Kyle Parker of Louisville, KY, for not being as Mexilicious as the static cling sticker on the window promised
  • Kraft: Fined $215 million for failing to disclose the grisly consequences of consuming Lunchables after 3 p.m.
  • Red Bull: Refunded $4.24 to truck driver Craig Peterson, who drove from Seattle to Miami without feeling particularly awake
  • Slim Jim: Paid $1.99 to Rob Paulo after he snapped into the product only to find some weird red stuff leaking out
  • 1-800-FLOWERS: All customers of the floral retail site are eligible for a $5 refund after a class-action lawsuit decided in favor of the plaintiffs who were successfully able to show that flowers are merely an empty gesture
  • Georgia-Pacific: Ordered to include disclaimer that wrapping fists and biceps in Brawny paper towels provides no advantage in a bar fight
  • CBS: Ordered to pay $20 million for continuously jerking viewers around about who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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