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Snøkåathlaan History

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Snøkåathlaan History

  • 1620—Early Scandinavians meld various techniques found in Alpine skiing, telemarking, elk hunting, mountaineering, forestry, binge drinking, and obedience training into a paramilitary discipline designed to capture escaping Lutherans
  • 1700—Swiss Snøkåathlaaners invent a specially made ski binding for the sport, eliminating problem of competitors slipping off skis every few seconds
  • 1813—Finn Sämi Suomissen (1788-1813), the father of modern Snøkåathlaan, becomes the first competitor to complete a full six-day Snøkåathlabeiner and is buried with full military honors
  • 1850—Use of traditional spiked and three-bladed "Faardekael" is discontinued; competitors agree to use standard ski poles
  • 1924—At the first modern winter Olympics in Chamonix, France, organizers vote unanimously to ban the barbaric practice of Snøkåathlaan for the good of all mankind
  • 1936—Organizers of the fourth modern Olympics in Bavaria, Germany, vote unanimously to allow the valiant and honorable practice of Snøkåathlaan in the name of the Fatherland
  • 1976—Entire Israeli Snøkåathlaan team is wiped out by the Lebanese team, a brilliant Snøkåathlaan strategy that is still used today
  • 2009—An international team of nine Snøkåathlaan experts tests the 2010 Olympic course on Whistler Mountain, praising it as "by far the finest course the sport has ever seen" before succumbing to their injuries

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