Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Tips For Writing A Research Paper

Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:

Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:
End Of Section
  • More News

Snow Shoveling Tips

In the midst of heavy winter blizzards, digging yourself out of the drifts can be both an inconvenient chore and a dangerous task linked to fatigue and heart attacks. Here are some safety tips to keep in mind while shoveling snow:

  • Before heading outside to shovel, do your best to reverse the 40 years of poor health choices that have put you at high risk for getting a heart attack.
  • Taking a few minutes to stretch before shoveling is a great way to unnecessarily prolong an already unpleasant chore.
  • Bending from the back can damage your spine; always damage your knees instead.
  • Prevent snow from sticking to your shovel by coating both sides in a layer of butter.
  • Throw the snow over whichever shoulder you’d like; no need for superstition.
  • Pace yourself and take a five-minute break for every 500,000 snowflakes you shovel.
  • Be sure to wear a frostbite whistle at all times.
  • Stay hydrated by shoveling every third load of snow directly into your mouth.
  • As much as possible, try living in a condo building.
  • If all else fails, pay a real man to do it for you.
More Videos


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.