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Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Snow Shoveling Tips

In the midst of heavy winter blizzards, digging yourself out of the drifts can be both an inconvenient chore and a dangerous task linked to fatigue and heart attacks. Here are some safety tips to keep in mind while shoveling snow:

  • Before heading outside to shovel, do your best to reverse the 40 years of poor health choices that have put you at high risk for getting a heart attack.
  • Taking a few minutes to stretch before shoveling is a great way to unnecessarily prolong an already unpleasant chore.
  • Bending from the back can damage your spine; always damage your knees instead.
  • Prevent snow from sticking to your shovel by coating both sides in a layer of butter.
  • Throw the snow over whichever shoulder you’d like; no need for superstition.
  • Pace yourself and take a five-minute break for every 500,000 snowflakes you shovel.
  • Be sure to wear a frostbite whistle at all times.
  • Stay hydrated by shoveling every third load of snow directly into your mouth.
  • As much as possible, try living in a condo building.
  • If all else fails, pay a real man to do it for you.

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