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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Soaring Oil Prices Alter Vacation Plans

With gas solidly over $4 a gallon for the first time and air travel becoming prohibitively expensive, many families are being forced to change their summer travel plans. What are people doing instead this summer?

Maybe trying that Mexican-looking place over on Butterfield Road

Siphoning gas from every car in the zoo's parking lot

Breaking the news to kids that they're not going to Disney World after all, making up for it with the purchase of a crazy lawn sprinkler

Rediscovering the attic

Foregoing tour of Ireland in favor of an afternoon at O'Shaughnessy's

Packing the station wagon, piling into the station wagon, sitting in the station wagon, getting out of the station wagon

Family bath

Staring uncomfortably at one another closer to home

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