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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Soaring Oil Prices Alter Vacation Plans

With gas solidly over $4 a gallon for the first time and air travel becoming prohibitively expensive, many families are being forced to change their summer travel plans. What are people doing instead this summer?

Maybe trying that Mexican-looking place over on Butterfield Road

Siphoning gas from every car in the zoo's parking lot

Breaking the news to kids that they're not going to Disney World after all, making up for it with the purchase of a crazy lawn sprinkler

Rediscovering the attic

Foregoing tour of Ireland in favor of an afternoon at O'Shaughnessy's

Packing the station wagon, piling into the station wagon, sitting in the station wagon, getting out of the station wagon

Family bath

Staring uncomfortably at one another closer to home

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