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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Solar Panels Going On White House

President Barack Obama announced that he was putting solar panels on the roof of the White House in order to lead by example in the drive toward renewable energy. Here is a brief history of electricity consumption at the presidential residence:

  • Sept. 1901–Mar. 1909: The White House spends a fortune on incandescent bulbs due to Teddy Roosevelt's habit of shooting the lights out every night with his Winchester Model 1895
  • Dec. 1910–Mar. 1911: William Howard Taft goes an entire winter without turning on the heat, living off 220 pounds of stored fat
  • May 14, 1926: In the custom of the Roaring '20s, Calvin Coolidge installs a large, energy-consuming neon sign on the roof that flashes "USA"
  • Nov. 2, 1939: FDR saves electricity by not using White House elevator
  • Apr. 15, 1955: Twenty percent of the White House's electricity is supplied by Vice President Richard Nixon pedaling a stationary bicycle
  • Aug. 8, 1977: Jimmy Carter does some bullshit with peanuts
  • Feb. 10, 1984: President Reagan delivers a two-hour-long speech to his staff on the importance of turning the lights off in a room if you're not using it
  • Dec. 11, 1989: A Secret Service man is assigned to keep an eye on the thermostat

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