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Solar Panels Going On White House

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Solar Panels Going On White House

President Barack Obama announced that he was putting solar panels on the roof of the White House in order to lead by example in the drive toward renewable energy. Here is a brief history of electricity consumption at the presidential residence:

  • Sept. 1901–Mar. 1909: The White House spends a fortune on incandescent bulbs due to Teddy Roosevelt's habit of shooting the lights out every night with his Winchester Model 1895
  • Dec. 1910–Mar. 1911: William Howard Taft goes an entire winter without turning on the heat, living off 220 pounds of stored fat
  • May 14, 1926: In the custom of the Roaring '20s, Calvin Coolidge installs a large, energy-consuming neon sign on the roof that flashes "USA"
  • Nov. 2, 1939: FDR saves electricity by not using White House elevator
  • Apr. 15, 1955: Twenty percent of the White House's electricity is supplied by Vice President Richard Nixon pedaling a stationary bicycle
  • Aug. 8, 1977: Jimmy Carter does some bullshit with peanuts
  • Feb. 10, 1984: President Reagan delivers a two-hour-long speech to his staff on the importance of turning the lights off in a room if you're not using it
  • Dec. 11, 1989: A Secret Service man is assigned to keep an eye on the thermostat

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