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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Some Of Man's Most Important Inventions

  • Inclined Plane: A simple machine consisting of a flat surface whose topmost point is higher than its bottommost point, this is yet another example of mankind's propensity for "inventing" things they just found lying around.
  • Telephone: This groundbreaking communication device allowed people a more dramatic way to end conversations with subordinates or lovers, and also played a key role in Martin Scorcese's film The Departed.
  • Printing Press: The mass production of printed matter was an instant hit with readers everywhere, who at the time numbered nearly 1,000 and were spread out over some 57.4 million square miles.
  • Easy Cheese: A pioneering aerosol-powered food- delivery system that made it possible for people to discharge high-velocity streams of cheese directly into their mouths, usually from a prone or inverted position.
  • God: This multipurpose tool has allowed billions to soothe their mortal fears while easily excusing a wide variety of unconscionable actions such as war and homophobia.
  • Gatling Gun: Capable of firing 200 rounds a minute, this powerful weapon was a vast improvement over its less lethal predecessor, the Gatling Baton.
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