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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Speculation About Romney's Taxes

As Democrats continue to press Mitt Romney to release more of his tax records, the Republican candidate has become more assertive in his rejection of such calls, leading many to speculate about what the filings contain. Here are some of the details experts suggest he may not want the public to see:

  • List of residences includes Caribbean property named “Skull Island”
  • Used Obama’s $6,500 homebuyer credit for six different houses in 2010
  • From 2002 to 2006, official occupation was listed as “masseuse”
  • Wrote off $10,000 in aftershave during 2004
  • Really shitty handwriting for someone who expects to be elected president
  • Years of filings in state of Delaware prove definitively that the candidate himself is a corporation
  • In 2009, thanks to clever accounting, the IRS actually paid Romney $25 million in taxes
  • Just doesn’t want people to see so many pages of official documents that list his first name as Willard

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