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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:

Tightly compresses swimmer's body then squirts them across the pool

Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left

Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool

Comes with free pool noodle

NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space

Covered in Crisco to reduce drag

Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position

Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away

Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that's for damn sure

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