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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:

Tightly compresses swimmer's body then squirts them across the pool

Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left

Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool

Comes with free pool noodle

NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space

Covered in Crisco to reduce drag

Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position

Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away

Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that's for damn sure

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