Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

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Vol 44 Issue 16

Plastics May Emit Toxins

A new report from the National Toxicology Program has raised concerns about bisphenol, a chemical found in baby bottles and sport water bottles that...

Chinese Class Clown Executed

BEIJING—Known among schoolmates for his spirited antics and ability to make light of almost any situation, classroom jokester Wei Xiang, 11,...

FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

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WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:

Tightly compresses swimmer's body then squirts them across the pool

Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left

Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool

Comes with free pool noodle

NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space

Covered in Crisco to reduce drag

Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position

Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away

Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that's for damn sure

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