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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:

Tightly compresses swimmer's body then squirts them across the pool

Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left

Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool

Comes with free pool noodle

NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space

Covered in Crisco to reduce drag

Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position

Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away

Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that's for damn sure

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