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Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Sports And The Faltering Economy

The world of sports was in financial trouble even before last week's market woes. Onion Sports runs down some of the ways teams and leagues are coping:

The NBA will send high-profile stars LeBron James and Yao Ming out to sell candy door-to-door so league can pay for road trips

As the NFL can no longer afford to pay licensing fees to use athletes' names, all jerseys will now feature the word "Player" over the number

Beginning next season, MLS teams will start making croutons out of leftover French bread instead of throwing it out

Concessions at all sporting venues will now be overpriced

The NHL has ruled that instead of having home and away sweaters, visiting teams will now wear nylon pinnies

NASCAR has announced It will be taking on extra shifts down at the feedlot

Major League Baseball has already pared down the number of active teams from the original 30, first down to eight and now to only four, with further reductions expected by the time the World Series begins

Pro bowling will stay the same

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