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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Sports And The Faltering Economy

The world of sports was in financial trouble even before last week's market woes. Onion Sports runs down some of the ways teams and leagues are coping:

The NBA will send high-profile stars LeBron James and Yao Ming out to sell candy door-to-door so league can pay for road trips

As the NFL can no longer afford to pay licensing fees to use athletes' names, all jerseys will now feature the word "Player" over the number

Beginning next season, MLS teams will start making croutons out of leftover French bread instead of throwing it out

Concessions at all sporting venues will now be overpriced

The NHL has ruled that instead of having home and away sweaters, visiting teams will now wear nylon pinnies

NASCAR has announced It will be taking on extra shifts down at the feedlot

Major League Baseball has already pared down the number of active teams from the original 30, first down to eight and now to only four, with further reductions expected by the time the World Series begins

Pro bowling will stay the same

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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