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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Sports Commentator Trophies

John Madden's Thanksgiving tradition of awarding turkey legs to the day's top players has inspired other sportscasters to hand out honors of their own. Here are some of the more notable commentator-awarded trophies:

  • Howie Long's "Iron Man Award" is a yearly tradition of Long recognizing Frederique, the man who presses and tailors his suits, on national television
  • Stuart Scott's "Name-Drop Award" honors the athlete Stuart Scott most wants to meet, so Scott can say he knows him personally and then look cooler for it
  • Dick Vitale's "Awesome Baby Award" goes to the most awesome baby fathered by a college basketball player
  • Actually, John Madden's "Turkey Leg" was not so much an award as the most transparent ploy in television history for a fat man to stuff his face with greasy animal flesh
  • Tim McCarver's "Broadcast-Booth Trophy" goes to the baseball player with the easiest name to remember and pronounce
  • Jon Gruden's "This Guy! Awards" are given each Sunday to "This guy! This guy right here! Look what he's doing—not just anyone could do that! Aw, you just GOT to love it!" Former recipients include most people Gruden has ever met
  • Joe Buck's "One More Week Award" is a big glass of brandy and a bowl of pecans he awards himself every Sunday after getting through another week alongside Troy Aikman
  • Cris Collinsworth awards the "Collinsworthys" every week to the player who most reminds him of himself; Wes Welker has thus far been the sole recipient

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