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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Sports Commentator Trophies

John Madden's Thanksgiving tradition of awarding turkey legs to the day's top players has inspired other sportscasters to hand out honors of their own. Here are some of the more notable commentator-awarded trophies:

  • Howie Long's "Iron Man Award" is a yearly tradition of Long recognizing Frederique, the man who presses and tailors his suits, on national television
  • Stuart Scott's "Name-Drop Award" honors the athlete Stuart Scott most wants to meet, so Scott can say he knows him personally and then look cooler for it
  • Dick Vitale's "Awesome Baby Award" goes to the most awesome baby fathered by a college basketball player
  • Actually, John Madden's "Turkey Leg" was not so much an award as the most transparent ploy in television history for a fat man to stuff his face with greasy animal flesh
  • Tim McCarver's "Broadcast-Booth Trophy" goes to the baseball player with the easiest name to remember and pronounce
  • Jon Gruden's "This Guy! Awards" are given each Sunday to "This guy! This guy right here! Look what he's doing—not just anyone could do that! Aw, you just GOT to love it!" Former recipients include most people Gruden has ever met
  • Joe Buck's "One More Week Award" is a big glass of brandy and a bowl of pecans he awards himself every Sunday after getting through another week alongside Troy Aikman
  • Cris Collinsworth awards the "Collinsworthys" every week to the player who most reminds him of himself; Wes Welker has thus far been the sole recipient

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