Sports Commentator Trophies

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Vol 46 Issue 46

Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was

ORLANDO, FL—Following his team's 89-72 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Monday, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy struggled to characterize the victory at a postgame press conference, saying that the win was not emotional, dominating, close,...

Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine?

Medical professionals are currently deciding whether using the HPV vaccine to decrease the risk of certain cancers in boys is worth the cost of the immunization treatment.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Sports Commentator Trophies

John Madden's Thanksgiving tradition of awarding turkey legs to the day's top players has inspired other sportscasters to hand out honors of their own. Here are some of the more notable commentator-awarded trophies:

  • Howie Long's "Iron Man Award" is a yearly tradition of Long recognizing Frederique, the man who presses and tailors his suits, on national television
  • Stuart Scott's "Name-Drop Award" honors the athlete Stuart Scott most wants to meet, so Scott can say he knows him personally and then look cooler for it
  • Dick Vitale's "Awesome Baby Award" goes to the most awesome baby fathered by a college basketball player
  • Actually, John Madden's "Turkey Leg" was not so much an award as the most transparent ploy in television history for a fat man to stuff his face with greasy animal flesh
  • Tim McCarver's "Broadcast-Booth Trophy" goes to the baseball player with the easiest name to remember and pronounce
  • Jon Gruden's "This Guy! Awards" are given each Sunday to "This guy! This guy right here! Look what he's doing—not just anyone could do that! Aw, you just GOT to love it!" Former recipients include most people Gruden has ever met
  • Joe Buck's "One More Week Award" is a big glass of brandy and a bowl of pecans he awards himself every Sunday after getting through another week alongside Troy Aikman
  • Cris Collinsworth awards the "Collinsworthys" every week to the player who most reminds him of himself; Wes Welker has thus far been the sole recipient
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