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Sports' Greatest Fourth Of July Moments

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Sports' Greatest Fourth Of July Moments

1826: In a tragic accident that claims the lives of the second and third presidents, John Adams collides with Thomas Jefferson when neither player calls for the ball while trying to field a pop-up fly

1934: After knocking out Jack Kracken in the first round of their fight, Joe Louis asks if he's seeing "stars and stripes," which is pretty funny until Jack Kracken is pronounced dead 35 seconds later

1939: During Lou Gehrig's famous "Luckiest Man on Earth" speech, Joe DiMaggio can't help but curl his lip in disgust

1987: Martina Navratilova wins her sixth straight Wimbledon title, and her third straight in the men's division

1998: After purchasing illegal fireworks before the game, Astros infielders Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell inadvertently implode the Astrodome while trying to blow up the team's mailbox

2004: On a day that will live in infamy for the Angels, Vladimir Guerrero's picnic in right field is ruined when a hard grounder knocks iced Chablis all over his lap

2006: Yankees release a dance remix of Lou Gehrig's famous speech, complete with Auto-Tune and a verse featuring Fergie

2007: Joey Chestnut brings the Nathan's hot dog eating championship back to American soil by cutting himself open and sticking the final hot dog directly into his intestinal tract

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