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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Sports' Greatest Fourth Of July Moments

1826: In a tragic accident that claims the lives of the second and third presidents, John Adams collides with Thomas Jefferson when neither player calls for the ball while trying to field a pop-up fly

1934: After knocking out Jack Kracken in the first round of their fight, Joe Louis asks if he's seeing "stars and stripes," which is pretty funny until Jack Kracken is pronounced dead 35 seconds later

1939: During Lou Gehrig's famous "Luckiest Man on Earth" speech, Joe DiMaggio can't help but curl his lip in disgust

1987: Martina Navratilova wins her sixth straight Wimbledon title, and her third straight in the men's division

1998: After purchasing illegal fireworks before the game, Astros infielders Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell inadvertently implode the Astrodome while trying to blow up the team's mailbox

2004: On a day that will live in infamy for the Angels, Vladimir Guerrero's picnic in right field is ruined when a hard grounder knocks iced Chablis all over his lap

2006: Yankees release a dance remix of Lou Gehrig's famous speech, complete with Auto-Tune and a verse featuring Fergie

2007: Joey Chestnut brings the Nathan's hot dog eating championship back to American soil by cutting himself open and sticking the final hot dog directly into his intestinal tract

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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