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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Spring-Cleaning Tips

Couple cleaning the house
Couple cleaning the house

Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span:

  • When choosing a household cleaner, set up two identical shower doors side by side. Wipe one with the leading brand and the other with the bargain brand. Examine the results and choose accordingly.
  • For fresh, disinfected air, pour Lysol into the humidifier.
  • Have you had it with the drudgery of constantly scrubbing that dirty kitchen floor? Boo-fucking-hoo, Toots.
  • To eliminate hours of needless scrubbing, spit your chew into an old beer can rather than directly onto the floor.
  • Once a week, tell yourself, "Man, I really gotta clean up this dump one of these days."
  • Buy a set of latex gloves that come up past your elbows. Not for cleaning, though.
  • No amount of cleaning will change the fact that Dabney Coleman was in your home.
  • Keep a range-top burner on low flame at all times to eliminate airborne kitchen germs.
  • Jesus Christ, there's a thing called shelves, you pig.
  • If you are female, don't clean a thing. Cleaning promotes sexist stereotypes about women.
  • You can pay inflated supermarket prices for bleach, or be like Martha Stewart and synthesize your own from chlorine particles extracted from sea water.
  • Purchase a wet vac. Then, when your fishing buddies come over, you can say, "Look. I got me a wet vac."
  • Don't ever stop cleaning. Don't ever do anything else. Make it the basis for your entire identity. If someone criticizes either your cleaning or your cleaning-based lifestyle, yell "Oh, this house!" and run off crying.

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