Spring-Cleaning Tips

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Spring-Cleaning Tips

Couple cleaning the house
Couple cleaning the house

Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span:

  • When choosing a household cleaner, set up two identical shower doors side by side. Wipe one with the leading brand and the other with the bargain brand. Examine the results and choose accordingly.
  • For fresh, disinfected air, pour Lysol into the humidifier.
  • Have you had it with the drudgery of constantly scrubbing that dirty kitchen floor? Boo-fucking-hoo, Toots.
  • To eliminate hours of needless scrubbing, spit your chew into an old beer can rather than directly onto the floor.
  • Once a week, tell yourself, "Man, I really gotta clean up this dump one of these days."
  • Buy a set of latex gloves that come up past your elbows. Not for cleaning, though.
  • No amount of cleaning will change the fact that Dabney Coleman was in your home.
  • Keep a range-top burner on low flame at all times to eliminate airborne kitchen germs.
  • Jesus Christ, there's a thing called shelves, you pig.
  • If you are female, don't clean a thing. Cleaning promotes sexist stereotypes about women.
  • You can pay inflated supermarket prices for bleach, or be like Martha Stewart and synthesize your own from chlorine particles extracted from sea water.
  • Purchase a wet vac. Then, when your fishing buddies come over, you can say, "Look. I got me a wet vac."
  • Don't ever stop cleaning. Don't ever do anything else. Make it the basis for your entire identity. If someone criticizes either your cleaning or your cleaning-based lifestyle, yell "Oh, this house!" and run off crying.