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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Starbucks Is 40

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks celebrated its 40th anniversary in March.

Here are some of the events that have shaped the company over the years:

  • 1972: Homeless man "Dancing" Danson becomes the first person to take a bath in a Starbucks bathroom
  • 1976: Starbucks begins selling coffee after five years of only selling a fermented moss-based cider
  • 1987: The company's fat, naked double-tailed fish-lady logo is simplified to entice consumers
  • 1990: A rogue barista starts drizzling cute girls' drinks with caramel, which he secretly dispenses through an improvised bladder hidden within his pocket
  • 1997: Invention of the coffee cup
  • 2002: Responding to complaints that its coffee tastes bitter and burned, Starbucks releases Metal Machine Roast, the chain's most perversely unpalatable brew to date
  • 2007: Following the success of its music and book sales, Starbucks begins offering life insurance, tax preparation, and living wills
  • 2008: Iced coffee provided to set of Leatherheads

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