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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Starbucks Is 40

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks celebrated its 40th anniversary in March.

Here are some of the events that have shaped the company over the years:

  • 1972: Homeless man "Dancing" Danson becomes the first person to take a bath in a Starbucks bathroom
  • 1976: Starbucks begins selling coffee after five years of only selling a fermented moss-based cider
  • 1987: The company's fat, naked double-tailed fish-lady logo is simplified to entice consumers
  • 1990: A rogue barista starts drizzling cute girls' drinks with caramel, which he secretly dispenses through an improvised bladder hidden within his pocket
  • 1997: Invention of the coffee cup
  • 2002: Responding to complaints that its coffee tastes bitter and burned, Starbucks releases Metal Machine Roast, the chain's most perversely unpalatable brew to date
  • 2007: Following the success of its music and book sales, Starbucks begins offering life insurance, tax preparation, and living wills
  • 2008: Iced coffee provided to set of Leatherheads
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