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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Starbucks Is 40

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks celebrated its 40th anniversary in March.

Here are some of the events that have shaped the company over the years:

  • 1972: Homeless man "Dancing" Danson becomes the first person to take a bath in a Starbucks bathroom
  • 1976: Starbucks begins selling coffee after five years of only selling a fermented moss-based cider
  • 1987: The company's fat, naked double-tailed fish-lady logo is simplified to entice consumers
  • 1990: A rogue barista starts drizzling cute girls' drinks with caramel, which he secretly dispenses through an improvised bladder hidden within his pocket
  • 1997: Invention of the coffee cup
  • 2002: Responding to complaints that its coffee tastes bitter and burned, Starbucks releases Metal Machine Roast, the chain's most perversely unpalatable brew to date
  • 2007: Following the success of its music and book sales, Starbucks begins offering life insurance, tax preparation, and living wills
  • 2008: Iced coffee provided to set of Leatherheads

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