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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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State Apologies

The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery. Following Virginia's lead, other states have apologized for these past transgressions:

Alaska: Not taking better care of glaciers

Maine: Briefly joining the USSR at height of Cold War

Arkansas: Accidentally killing Oklahoma's state bird, replacing it with passable facsimile

Hawaii: Faking Pearl Harbor

Wyoming: Moving its border one mile west into Idaho every year since 1923

Kansas: Never having counted the vote of an Irishman

Arizona: Seducing nation's elderly into its 115-degree death trap

Georgia: Not giving slaves enough to do from 1857 to 1859

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