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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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State Apologies

The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery. Following Virginia's lead, other states have apologized for these past transgressions:

Alaska: Not taking better care of glaciers

Maine: Briefly joining the USSR at height of Cold War

Arkansas: Accidentally killing Oklahoma's state bird, replacing it with passable facsimile

Hawaii: Faking Pearl Harbor

Wyoming: Moving its border one mile west into Idaho every year since 1923

Kansas: Never having counted the vote of an Irishman

Arizona: Seducing nation's elderly into its 115-degree death trap

Georgia: Not giving slaves enough to do from 1857 to 1859

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