State Apologies

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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State Apologies

The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery. Following Virginia's lead, other states have apologized for these past transgressions:

Alaska: Not taking better care of glaciers

Maine: Briefly joining the USSR at height of Cold War

Arkansas: Accidentally killing Oklahoma's state bird, replacing it with passable facsimile

Hawaii: Faking Pearl Harbor

Wyoming: Moving its border one mile west into Idaho every year since 1923

Kansas: Never having counted the vote of an Irishman

Arizona: Seducing nation's elderly into its 115-degree death trap

Georgia: Not giving slaves enough to do from 1857 to 1859

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