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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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State Fair Season

Every year around this time, American states hold fairs to celebrate the agriculture and industry that make them unique. Here are some of the attractions that draw people to their state fairs:

  • Deep-fried lost-and-found kiosk
  • Chance to get a good look at the sturdy new crop of 4-H girls
  • Pigs racing against other pigs who will all be slaughtered soon enough
  • T-shirt stand on the midway featuring only the finest airbrushing artisans and their wares
  • Way-too-interactive theater troupe
  • Duck pond game that we are so taking down this year
  • A parade!
  • Stunning gigantic produce adorned with dazzling blue ribbons, almost equally impressive gigantic produce with attractive red ribbons, and substandard gigantic produce with shameful white ribbons

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