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States Turning Down Federal Money

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Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.

What else are states refusing money for?

  • Minnesota: $80 million to dig a big hole that people can throw old couches into
  • California: $1 million to bribe Andy Dick to move to Brazil
  • Indiana: $98 million to contain state's smell
  • Mississippi: $50,000 to mend the raccoon fence around the water reservoir
  • South Dakota: $75 million for gigantic party hat to be worn on head of Mount Rushmore presidents on their respective birthdays
  • Georgia: $500 million to import peaches
  • Rhode Island: $45 for Linksys wireless router to be placed in center of state
  • Idaho: Annual $60 million to pay off bear population and keep them from taking over

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