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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.

What else are states refusing money for?

  • Minnesota: $80 million to dig a big hole that people can throw old couches into
  • California: $1 million to bribe Andy Dick to move to Brazil
  • Indiana: $98 million to contain state's smell
  • Mississippi: $50,000 to mend the raccoon fence around the water reservoir
  • South Dakota: $75 million for gigantic party hat to be worn on head of Mount Rushmore presidents on their respective birthdays
  • Georgia: $500 million to import peaches
  • Rhode Island: $45 for Linksys wireless router to be placed in center of state
  • Idaho: Annual $60 million to pay off bear population and keep them from taking over
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