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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.

What else are states refusing money for?

  • Minnesota: $80 million to dig a big hole that people can throw old couches into
  • California: $1 million to bribe Andy Dick to move to Brazil
  • Indiana: $98 million to contain state's smell
  • Mississippi: $50,000 to mend the raccoon fence around the water reservoir
  • South Dakota: $75 million for gigantic party hat to be worn on head of Mount Rushmore presidents on their respective birthdays
  • Georgia: $500 million to import peaches
  • Rhode Island: $45 for Linksys wireless router to be placed in center of state
  • Idaho: Annual $60 million to pay off bear population and keep them from taking over
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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