States Turning Down Federal Money

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Vol 47 Issue 08

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.

What else are states refusing money for?

  • Minnesota: $80 million to dig a big hole that people can throw old couches into
  • California: $1 million to bribe Andy Dick to move to Brazil
  • Indiana: $98 million to contain state's smell
  • Mississippi: $50,000 to mend the raccoon fence around the water reservoir
  • South Dakota: $75 million for gigantic party hat to be worn on head of Mount Rushmore presidents on their respective birthdays
  • Georgia: $500 million to import peaches
  • Rhode Island: $45 for Linksys wireless router to be placed in center of state
  • Idaho: Annual $60 million to pay off bear population and keep them from taking over
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