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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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States Turning Down Federal Money

Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando.

What else are states refusing money for?

  • Minnesota: $80 million to dig a big hole that people can throw old couches into
  • California: $1 million to bribe Andy Dick to move to Brazil
  • Indiana: $98 million to contain state's smell
  • Mississippi: $50,000 to mend the raccoon fence around the water reservoir
  • South Dakota: $75 million for gigantic party hat to be worn on head of Mount Rushmore presidents on their respective birthdays
  • Georgia: $500 million to import peaches
  • Rhode Island: $45 for Linksys wireless router to be placed in center of state
  • Idaho: Annual $60 million to pay off bear population and keep them from taking over

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