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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the bare essentials. Here are the items you should not be without if you're snowed in:

  • Jigsaw puzzles: If you can't get out of the house, an old-fashioned jigsaw puzzle is the perfect way to while away the hours, and the perfect catalyst for a fight with your family or roommates when you get sick of doing the same puzzle for four hours
  • Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs: Suddenly this doesn't look quite so bad anymore, eh, Snow Prisoner?
  • Digital camera: Immediately after the storm, you'll need to take pictures of the mounds of snow outside, upload them to Facebook, and enter such captions as "enough snow for you?" or "MY CAR IS UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE LOL!!!!!"
  • Pfeifer Zeliska .600 Nitro Express revolver: This powerful handgun will stop any…wild game…you are hunting in order to keep your family fed and warm (wink wink)
  • Headlamp flashlight: So the rescue team can find you and carry out your corpse
  • Five gallons of bleach: As long as you're stuck inside you might as well get some cleaning done
  • Gender-specific sex toy: Heavy snow accumulation will make roads impassible, and your weekly visit to a prostitute unlikely
  • Tauntaun: When your best friend goes missing in the blizzard conditions, you'll need to use the carcass of this bipedal reptomammal to keep his body warm

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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