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Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the bare essentials. Here are the items you should not be without if you're snowed in:

  • Jigsaw puzzles: If you can't get out of the house, an old-fashioned jigsaw puzzle is the perfect way to while away the hours, and the perfect catalyst for a fight with your family or roommates when you get sick of doing the same puzzle for four hours
  • Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs: Suddenly this doesn't look quite so bad anymore, eh, Snow Prisoner?
  • Digital camera: Immediately after the storm, you'll need to take pictures of the mounds of snow outside, upload them to Facebook, and enter such captions as "enough snow for you?" or "MY CAR IS UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE LOL!!!!!"
  • Pfeifer Zeliska .600 Nitro Express revolver: This powerful handgun will stop any…wild game…you are hunting in order to keep your family fed and warm (wink wink)
  • Headlamp flashlight: So the rescue team can find you and carry out your corpse
  • Five gallons of bleach: As long as you're stuck inside you might as well get some cleaning done
  • Gender-specific sex toy: Heavy snow accumulation will make roads impassible, and your weekly visit to a prostitute unlikely
  • Tauntaun: When your best friend goes missing in the blizzard conditions, you'll need to use the carcass of this bipedal reptomammal to keep his body warm

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