Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

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Vol 46 Issue 07

Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue.

Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour.

Nate Robinson

The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good?

Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency

Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What...
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Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies

In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the bare essentials. Here are the items you should not be without if you're snowed in:

  • Jigsaw puzzles: If you can't get out of the house, an old-fashioned jigsaw puzzle is the perfect way to while away the hours, and the perfect catalyst for a fight with your family or roommates when you get sick of doing the same puzzle for four hours
  • Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs: Suddenly this doesn't look quite so bad anymore, eh, Snow Prisoner?
  • Digital camera: Immediately after the storm, you'll need to take pictures of the mounds of snow outside, upload them to Facebook, and enter such captions as "enough snow for you?" or "MY CAR IS UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE LOL!!!!!"
  • Pfeifer Zeliska .600 Nitro Express revolver: This powerful handgun will stop any…wild game…you are hunting in order to keep your family fed and warm (wink wink)
  • Headlamp flashlight: So the rescue team can find you and carry out your corpse
  • Five gallons of bleach: As long as you're stuck inside you might as well get some cleaning done
  • Gender-specific sex toy: Heavy snow accumulation will make roads impassible, and your weekly visit to a prostitute unlikely
  • Tauntaun: When your best friend goes missing in the blizzard conditions, you'll need to use the carcass of this bipedal reptomammal to keep his body warm
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