ELMHURST, IL—Furrowing his brow and nodding along to his wife’s pricing and location concerns Tuesday, local man Grant Foster’s sole contribution to the search for a new home has reportedly been to periodically tell his wife he wishes he knew how to help.
Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:
- Publish a long-form article detailing the challenges involved in fighting an enemy that does not value human life
- Refuse to appear terrorized by this constant, worldwide threat of violence and death
- Organize a coup, leaving the U.S. free to prop up the ISIS leader of their choice
- Spend $1.7 trillion
- Attempt to compromise with our adversary by meeting them halfway on their demand to spill the blood of all apostates
- Stop flow of new ISIS recruits from West by encouraging disaffected youth to join violent extremist groups back home
- Maybe draw them out to sea?
- Simply coordinate with our allies on a comprehensive strategy that targets ISIS militants while limiting civilian casualties, while simultaneously addressing the longstanding socioeconomic struggles that drive young Arab men to embrace radicalism, reaching out to liberal and moderate factions within Syria, and addressing our own prejudices that galvanize support for terror around the Islamic world
- Train and arm somebody else’s kids to go over there and shoot them