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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Strategies To Defeat ISIS

Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:

  • Publish a long-form article detailing the challenges involved in fighting an enemy that does not value human life
  • Refuse to appear terrorized by this constant, worldwide threat of violence and death
  • Organize a coup, leaving the U.S. free to prop up the ISIS leader of their choice
  • Spend $1.7 trillion
  • Attempt to compromise with our adversary by meeting them halfway on their demand to spill the blood of all apostates
  • Stop flow of new ISIS recruits from West by encouraging disaffected youth to join violent extremist groups back home
  • Maybe draw them out to sea?
  • Simply coordinate with our allies on a comprehensive strategy that targets ISIS militants while limiting civilian casualties, while simultaneously addressing the longstanding socioeconomic struggles that drive young Arab men to embrace radicalism, reaching out to liberal and moderate factions within Syria, and addressing our own prejudices that galvanize support for terror around the Islamic world
  • Train and arm somebody else’s kids to go over there and shoot them


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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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