CHICAGO—Stressing that “it’s only April” and that “there’s a lot of baseball still to play,” Cubs fans throughout Chicago told reporters Thursday that they remain cautiously optimistic about their World Series chances after pitcher Jake Arrieta threw his eighth no-hitter of the season, with the team scoring over 30 runs for the 12th straight game.
BRISTOL, CT—Following his recent termination from ESPN as a result of his controversial comments regarding transgender rights, baseball commentator and former Major League pitcher Curt Schilling told reporters Thursday he is quietly relieved he will no longer need to censor himself for three hours each week on Monday Night Baseball.
NEW BERLIN, WI—Making sure to date the page before recording all the juiciest and most private details from his daily exercise routine, local gym-goer Phillip Keller reportedly took out his precious little diary Thursday in order to keep track of his workout.
ATLANTA—Stressing that most of the competitions over the past several seasons have been “boring” and “totally unwatchable,” Hall of Famer and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley insisted Monday night that modern basketball fans wouldn’t stand a chance of winning during the far tougher halftime contests of the 1990s.
LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant.
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year.
DALLAS—Following the pro golfer’s historic collapse during the final holes of the Masters Tournament, Jordan Spieth’s family members confirmed Monday that they will probably wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened.
AUGUSTA, GA—Expressing their unease at the veteran sportscaster’s behavior as they prepared for the second round of the Masters, multiple golfers told reporters Friday that Jim Nantz has been sitting in the corner of the Augusta National clubhouse locker room and watching them change.
ARLINGTON, TX—Complaining that he should have dropped the habit a long time ago, members of the Texas Rangers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are constantly disgusted by first baseman Prince Fielder’s tendency to leave chewed-up baseball bats all over the dugout.
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship.
LEXINGTON, KY—In an appalling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the program, multiple reports confirmed Thursday that seniors on this year’s University of Kentucky basketball team were repeatedly subjected to cruel and degrading forms of hazing by the team’s freshman players.
TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket.
WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
INDIANAPOLIS—Praising the veteran quarterback as “a man who changed the game of football forever,” Indianapolis Star reporter Kyle Bowman reportedly poured his little heart out Monday in a column about the retirement of Peyton Manning.
DENVER—Amid recent accusations of HGH use and resurfacing sexual assault allegations from his time in college, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning fondly recalled when the most damaging aspect of his legacy was that he had not won a Super Bowl, sources confirmed Monday.
SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that the harrowing 27-hour operation only had a 13 percent chance of success, doctors from UCSF Medical Center recalled Thursday the incredibly difficult procedure to separate the conjoined Splash Brothers at birth.
DENVER—Praising the 39-year-old’s exhaustive preparations amid accusations involving performance-enhancing drug use and sexual assault, sources close to Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Wednesday that he has been tirelessly studying video footage of other athletes denying allegations.
INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff.
LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open.
LONDON—In the latest effort by the NFL to expand the sport of football internationally, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Oakland Raiders held a postseason exhibition game Friday at London’s Wembley Stadium.
NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them.
ESTES PARK, CO—Following their 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, the Denver Broncos held a championship parade Tuesday through an icy and treacherous stretch of the Rocky Mountains.
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!