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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling

Students around the nation are currently anticipating the end of the school year and the start of summer vacation, while some education experts argue that a year-round education system would prevent children from falling behind in school. Here are some arguments from each side of this education debate:

The Arguments For Summer Vacation

  • Three-month respite from paying for ADHD medications
  • Kids who go to summer camp have opportunity to be tormented by entirely different group of bullies
  • Algebra doesn’t sink in until the fifth time children learn it from scratch during school year
  • Teenagers able to take on summer jobs that will pay for the cost of about two weeks of college
  • Gives kids much-needed time to build entirely new persona for following school year
  • The only reason anyone would be inclined to become a teacher

The Arguments For Year-Round Schooling

  • The look on their faces when we break the news to them will be priceless
  • Kids less likely to forget historical dates and state capitals that are so critical to their development and career prospects
  • Students get more classroom time to waste on standardized tests
  • Gives deeply held crushes ability to develop more fully before being cut short
  • With additional months of school, the United States could skyrocket to 25th place in global math and science scores
  • Keeps kids off the street and in the safety of an American classroom where no harm can ever come to them

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