adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling

Students around the nation are currently anticipating the end of the school year and the start of summer vacation, while some education experts argue that a year-round education system would prevent children from falling behind in school. Here are some arguments from each side of this education debate:

The Arguments For Summer Vacation

  • Three-month respite from paying for ADHD medications
  • Kids who go to summer camp have opportunity to be tormented by entirely different group of bullies
  • Algebra doesn’t sink in until the fifth time children learn it from scratch during school year
  • Teenagers able to take on summer jobs that will pay for the cost of about two weeks of college
  • Gives kids much-needed time to build entirely new persona for following school year
  • The only reason anyone would be inclined to become a teacher

The Arguments For Year-Round Schooling

  • The look on their faces when we break the news to them will be priceless
  • Kids less likely to forget historical dates and state capitals that are so critical to their development and career prospects
  • Students get more classroom time to waste on standardized tests
  • Gives deeply held crushes ability to develop more fully before being cut short
  • With additional months of school, the United States could skyrocket to 25th place in global math and science scores
  • Keeps kids off the street and in the safety of an American classroom where no harm can ever come to them

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close