Super Bowl Hangovers

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Super Bowl Hangovers

Win or lose, appearing in the Super Bowl is no guarantee that a team will do well next season. Onion Sports looks at Super Bowl squads that went from penthouse to outhouse:

1977: After riding their down-and-dirty, take-no-prisoners style to a Super Bowl victory, the bad-boy Oakland Raiders spend the entire next season in rehab

1992: A workmanlike Super Bowl-hosting performance by the Metrodome is not enough to bring the big game back to the oppressively uncomfortable gray monstrosity

1994: After pulling off a 52-17 annihilation of the Bills in the previous Super Bowl, the Dallas Cowboys trudge through the entire season only to be forced to play the Bills in the Super Bowl yet again

2000: The St. Louis Rams experience one of the worst Super Bowl hangovers in history, losing their first game of the next season by 464 points

2003: After winning the Super Bowl, the Buccaneers did not play so well the next season

2004: Despite their 2003 Super Bowl victory, the New England Patriots go 18 games without winning another one

2005: The Cincinnati Bengals, reeling from the shock of having a winning season, begin referring to their first playoff game as "our Super Bowl" and promptly lose

2008: Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning proves once and for all that he can't win the big one when his team loses to the Chargers in the divisional playoff game


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