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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Super Bowl Hangovers

Win or lose, appearing in the Super Bowl is no guarantee that a team will do well next season. Onion Sports looks at Super Bowl squads that went from penthouse to outhouse:

1977: After riding their down-and-dirty, take-no-prisoners style to a Super Bowl victory, the bad-boy Oakland Raiders spend the entire next season in rehab

1992: A workmanlike Super Bowl-hosting performance by the Metrodome is not enough to bring the big game back to the oppressively uncomfortable gray monstrosity

1994: After pulling off a 52-17 annihilation of the Bills in the previous Super Bowl, the Dallas Cowboys trudge through the entire season only to be forced to play the Bills in the Super Bowl yet again

2000: The St. Louis Rams experience one of the worst Super Bowl hangovers in history, losing their first game of the next season by 464 points

2003: After winning the Super Bowl, the Buccaneers did not play so well the next season

2004: Despite their 2003 Super Bowl victory, the New England Patriots go 18 games without winning another one

2005: The Cincinnati Bengals, reeling from the shock of having a winning season, begin referring to their first playoff game as "our Super Bowl" and promptly lose

2008: Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning proves once and for all that he can't win the big one when his team loses to the Chargers in the divisional playoff game

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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