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Super Bowl Hangovers

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Super Bowl Hangovers

Win or lose, appearing in the Super Bowl is no guarantee that a team will do well next season. Onion Sports looks at Super Bowl squads that went from penthouse to outhouse:

1977: After riding their down-and-dirty, take-no-prisoners style to a Super Bowl victory, the bad-boy Oakland Raiders spend the entire next season in rehab

1992: A workmanlike Super Bowl-hosting performance by the Metrodome is not enough to bring the big game back to the oppressively uncomfortable gray monstrosity

1994: After pulling off a 52-17 annihilation of the Bills in the previous Super Bowl, the Dallas Cowboys trudge through the entire season only to be forced to play the Bills in the Super Bowl yet again

2000: The St. Louis Rams experience one of the worst Super Bowl hangovers in history, losing their first game of the next season by 464 points

2003: After winning the Super Bowl, the Buccaneers did not play so well the next season

2004: Despite their 2003 Super Bowl victory, the New England Patriots go 18 games without winning another one

2005: The Cincinnati Bengals, reeling from the shock of having a winning season, begin referring to their first playoff game as "our Super Bowl" and promptly lose

2008: Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning proves once and for all that he can't win the big one when his team loses to the Chargers in the divisional playoff game

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