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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Super Bowl Special Events

The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl are full of hype, hoopla, and pageantry. Onion Sports picks the must-see events for the discerning fan:

Special event outside of stadium allows fans to fracture their spine between their third and fourth vertebrae, have a special chilled-saline catheter inserted to lower their body temperature, and then have four-hour-long surgery to insert rods into their reconfigured spines

Peter King will present a three-hour preview special done in the spirit of his column that somehow winds up concentrating on why he likes figure skating, his daughter's improving tennis game, and where to get good coffee in Arizona

Rick Reilly will go aloft over the stadium in the Goodyear Blimp in a marathon flight for charity; if the Make-A-Wish Foundation receives $1 million, blimp will land without Reilly

Media Week, in which the nation gets to see how their favorite players react to seven days' worth of interviews without sleeping, eating, or showering

Howie Long hosts a barrage of specials featuring remarkable NFL players past and present, including Howie Long's Tough Guys, Howie Long's Dumb Guys, Howie Long's Black Guys, and Howie Long's Dead Guys

During breaks, Fox will air pre-taped messages urging the purchase of consumer goods and services

Amped-up Bud Bowl XIX, featuring rising young stars such as Tom Brewy and Eli Canning

Festivities will culminate in a reality show as players from the Giants and Patriots compete in four 15-minute segments to see who can score the most points

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