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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Super Bowl Special Events

The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl are full of hype, hoopla, and pageantry. Onion Sports picks the must-see events for the discerning fan:

Special event outside of stadium allows fans to fracture their spine between their third and fourth vertebrae, have a special chilled-saline catheter inserted to lower their body temperature, and then have four-hour-long surgery to insert rods into their reconfigured spines

Peter King will present a three-hour preview special done in the spirit of his column that somehow winds up concentrating on why he likes figure skating, his daughter's improving tennis game, and where to get good coffee in Arizona

Rick Reilly will go aloft over the stadium in the Goodyear Blimp in a marathon flight for charity; if the Make-A-Wish Foundation receives $1 million, blimp will land without Reilly

Media Week, in which the nation gets to see how their favorite players react to seven days' worth of interviews without sleeping, eating, or showering

Howie Long hosts a barrage of specials featuring remarkable NFL players past and present, including Howie Long's Tough Guys, Howie Long's Dumb Guys, Howie Long's Black Guys, and Howie Long's Dead Guys

During breaks, Fox will air pre-taped messages urging the purchase of consumer goods and services

Amped-up Bud Bowl XIX, featuring rising young stars such as Tom Brewy and Eli Canning

Festivities will culminate in a reality show as players from the Giants and Patriots compete in four 15-minute segments to see who can score the most points

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