Super Bowl XLIII Highlights

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Super Bowl XLIII Highlights

Every person in capacity-filled stadium refuses to make eye contact with Jennifer Hudson

Steelers gain 10 yards when they sneak Willie Parker up the middle in a laundry bin

Al Michaels and John Madden do an outstanding job lip-syncing to their prerecorded analysis throughout the game

During his 100-yard interception return, James Harrison is actually clinically dead after the first 40 yards

Bruce Springsteen inspires millions of Americans over 55 with the hope that they too might one day be able to drop to their knees and get up again

In what many will regard as the most exciting moment of the game, James Harrison records the longest personal foul in Super Bowl history

Larry Fitzgerald makes an ultimately pointless 64-yard touchdown reception, since the Cardinals were just going to lose anyway

On the last play of the game, Kurt Warner scrambles around and rears back so that he can fumble as hard as he can

Ben Roethlisberger shocks everyone attending the Lombardi Trophy presentation when he kneels, takes out his Super Bowl ring, and proposes to Mike Tomlin


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