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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Super Bowl XLIII Highlights

Every person in capacity-filled stadium refuses to make eye contact with Jennifer Hudson

Steelers gain 10 yards when they sneak Willie Parker up the middle in a laundry bin

Al Michaels and John Madden do an outstanding job lip-syncing to their prerecorded analysis throughout the game

During his 100-yard interception return, James Harrison is actually clinically dead after the first 40 yards

Bruce Springsteen inspires millions of Americans over 55 with the hope that they too might one day be able to drop to their knees and get up again

In what many will regard as the most exciting moment of the game, James Harrison records the longest personal foul in Super Bowl history

Larry Fitzgerald makes an ultimately pointless 64-yard touchdown reception, since the Cardinals were just going to lose anyway

On the last play of the game, Kurt Warner scrambles around and rears back so that he can fumble as hard as he can

Ben Roethlisberger shocks everyone attending the Lombardi Trophy presentation when he kneels, takes out his Super Bowl ring, and proposes to Mike Tomlin

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