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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Super Bowl XLIII Highlights

Every person in capacity-filled stadium refuses to make eye contact with Jennifer Hudson

Steelers gain 10 yards when they sneak Willie Parker up the middle in a laundry bin

Al Michaels and John Madden do an outstanding job lip-syncing to their prerecorded analysis throughout the game

During his 100-yard interception return, James Harrison is actually clinically dead after the first 40 yards

Bruce Springsteen inspires millions of Americans over 55 with the hope that they too might one day be able to drop to their knees and get up again

In what many will regard as the most exciting moment of the game, James Harrison records the longest personal foul in Super Bowl history

Larry Fitzgerald makes an ultimately pointless 64-yard touchdown reception, since the Cardinals were just going to lose anyway

On the last play of the game, Kurt Warner scrambles around and rears back so that he can fumble as hard as he can

Ben Roethlisberger shocks everyone attending the Lombardi Trophy presentation when he kneels, takes out his Super Bowl ring, and proposes to Mike Tomlin

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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