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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Super Bowl XLIII Highlights

Every person in capacity-filled stadium refuses to make eye contact with Jennifer Hudson

Steelers gain 10 yards when they sneak Willie Parker up the middle in a laundry bin

Al Michaels and John Madden do an outstanding job lip-syncing to their prerecorded analysis throughout the game

During his 100-yard interception return, James Harrison is actually clinically dead after the first 40 yards

Bruce Springsteen inspires millions of Americans over 55 with the hope that they too might one day be able to drop to their knees and get up again

In what many will regard as the most exciting moment of the game, James Harrison records the longest personal foul in Super Bowl history

Larry Fitzgerald makes an ultimately pointless 64-yard touchdown reception, since the Cardinals were just going to lose anyway

On the last play of the game, Kurt Warner scrambles around and rears back so that he can fumble as hard as he can

Ben Roethlisberger shocks everyone attending the Lombardi Trophy presentation when he kneels, takes out his Super Bowl ring, and proposes to Mike Tomlin

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