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Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

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Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...
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Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

Back in session this month, the U.S. Supreme Court faces a docket that may result in numerous landmark rulings. Here are some of the potentially historic cases the justices will decide:

  • Fisher v. University of Texas at Austin: In this closely followed affirmative action appeal, the high court justices will convene to determine if they’re racists or not
  • Us v. Them: Seeks a legal injunction to prevent Them from further advancement, citing the oft-invoked historical precedent that has always ensured preferential treatment for Us
  • Patterson v. Ball State: Questions whether sexual harassment allegations against a direct supervisor may be imputed against the employer itself, even when the alleged victim has a fresh set of tits like Laura Patterson’s
  • American Apparel v. Davidson: Weighs constitutionality of Sheer Luxe Cut-Out Pantyhose
  • Plessy v. Ferguson II: The Final Reckoning: Overturned in 1954, this case is back and out for justice, hellbent on reminding the Court that nothing is truly “separate but equal”
  • People v. Goldie: Investigates whether a beloved golden retriever should be put down for biting a robber or should be given a giant Milk-Bone
  • Staying In v. Hey, This Art Crawl Will Be Fun: Questions whether just watching a movie at home on Saturday night is a viable option, or if your friends will drag you out to some dumb art thing
  • Roe v. Van Patton: Roe just trying to stir shit up again

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