Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

Back in session this month, the U.S. Supreme Court faces a docket that may result in numerous landmark rulings. Here are some of the potentially historic cases the justices will decide:

  • Fisher v. University of Texas at Austin: In this closely followed affirmative action appeal, the high court justices will convene to determine if they’re racists or not
  • Us v. Them: Seeks a legal injunction to prevent Them from further advancement, citing the oft-invoked historical precedent that has always ensured preferential treatment for Us
  • Patterson v. Ball State: Questions whether sexual harassment allegations against a direct supervisor may be imputed against the employer itself, even when the alleged victim has a fresh set of tits like Laura Patterson’s
  • American Apparel v. Davidson: Weighs constitutionality of Sheer Luxe Cut-Out Pantyhose
  • Plessy v. Ferguson II: The Final Reckoning: Overturned in 1954, this case is back and out for justice, hellbent on reminding the Court that nothing is truly “separate but equal”
  • People v. Goldie: Investigates whether a beloved golden retriever should be put down for biting a robber or should be given a giant Milk-Bone
  • Staying In v. Hey, This Art Crawl Will Be Fun: Questions whether just watching a movie at home on Saturday night is a viable option, or if your friends will drag you out to some dumb art thing
  • Roe v. Van Patton: Roe just trying to stir shit up again
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