Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

Back in session this month, the U.S. Supreme Court faces a docket that may result in numerous landmark rulings. Here are some of the potentially historic cases the justices will decide:

  • Fisher v. University of Texas at Austin: In this closely followed affirmative action appeal, the high court justices will convene to determine if they’re racists or not
  • Us v. Them: Seeks a legal injunction to prevent Them from further advancement, citing the oft-invoked historical precedent that has always ensured preferential treatment for Us
  • Patterson v. Ball State: Questions whether sexual harassment allegations against a direct supervisor may be imputed against the employer itself, even when the alleged victim has a fresh set of tits like Laura Patterson’s
  • American Apparel v. Davidson: Weighs constitutionality of Sheer Luxe Cut-Out Pantyhose
  • Plessy v. Ferguson II: The Final Reckoning: Overturned in 1954, this case is back and out for justice, hellbent on reminding the Court that nothing is truly “separate but equal”
  • People v. Goldie: Investigates whether a beloved golden retriever should be put down for biting a robber or should be given a giant Milk-Bone
  • Staying In v. Hey, This Art Crawl Will Be Fun: Questions whether just watching a movie at home on Saturday night is a viable option, or if your friends will drag you out to some dumb art thing
  • Roe v. Van Patton: Roe just trying to stir shit up again