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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums

The midsummer sports drought is in full swing. How are Americans spending their time now that there are only two major sports on TV?

After 17 years of neglect, contacting son in Arizona and asking him if he would like to play catch

Watching WNBA with permanent expression of anger, disgust

Standing outside football stadium waiting for season to start

Watching—really honestly watching—a baseball game

Almost wishing hockey was still around

Getting out all the crying now, so pent-up emotions won't get in way during football season

Turning every task into a best-of-seven

Screaming at stupid 9-year-old to just hit the ball

Fast-forwarding to the basketball scenes on One Tree Hill

Watching this weird foreign auto-racing involving cars with wings, complicated twisty tracks, thin fans, and a black driver

Setting Madden '07 to play computer-versus-computer matchups, watching computer-versus-computer matchups, wondering why face is wet

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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