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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums

The midsummer sports drought is in full swing. How are Americans spending their time now that there are only two major sports on TV?

After 17 years of neglect, contacting son in Arizona and asking him if he would like to play catch

Watching WNBA with permanent expression of anger, disgust

Standing outside football stadium waiting for season to start

Watching—really honestly watching—a baseball game

Almost wishing hockey was still around

Getting out all the crying now, so pent-up emotions won't get in way during football season

Turning every task into a best-of-seven

Screaming at stupid 9-year-old to just hit the ball

Fast-forwarding to the basketball scenes on One Tree Hill

Watching this weird foreign auto-racing involving cars with wings, complicated twisty tracks, thin fans, and a black driver

Setting Madden '07 to play computer-versus-computer matchups, watching computer-versus-computer matchups, wondering why face is wet

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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