Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums

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Vol 43 Issue 29

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, is currently being investigated for anonymously posting to Yahoo investment groups about Wild Oats, which his...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums

The midsummer sports drought is in full swing. How are Americans spending their time now that there are only two major sports on TV?

After 17 years of neglect, contacting son in Arizona and asking him if he would like to play catch

Watching WNBA with permanent expression of anger, disgust

Standing outside football stadium waiting for season to start

Watching—really honestly watching—a baseball game

Almost wishing hockey was still around

Getting out all the crying now, so pent-up emotions won't get in way during football season

Turning every task into a best-of-seven

Screaming at stupid 9-year-old to just hit the ball

Fast-forwarding to the basketball scenes on One Tree Hill

Watching this weird foreign auto-racing involving cars with wings, complicated twisty tracks, thin fans, and a black driver

Setting Madden '07 to play computer-versus-computer matchups, watching computer-versus-computer matchups, wondering why face is wet

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