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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Team USA's World Cup Stumbles

As qualifying rages on, we look at Team USA's hapless World Cup history.

1891 and 1895: United States athletes invent two much more entertaining games with a soccer ball

1950: Unaware they could take on new players to replace old ones, the U.S. loses 12-1 with the same team that played in 1930's World Cup

1954: One of the most talented U.S. squads in history is still unable to qualify after failing to send in its World Cup application on time

1958: The world knew the U.S. team was destined for failure when it unveiled its one-name soccer sensation, "Bert"

1986: The U.S. fails to qualify after Paul Caligiuri hits what is commonly regarded as the worst corner kick in the history of the world

1988: This year is considered the rebirth of American soccer after enough people sign up to have a national team

1990: The United States is quickly eliminated after losing to the United States 1-0

1994: This incarnation of the U.S. team probably did okay because people still kind of recognize the names Tony Meola and Alexi Lalas

1999: The U.S. women's team wins the World Cup

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