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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Team USA's World Cup Stumbles

As qualifying rages on, we look at Team USA's hapless World Cup history.

1891 and 1895: United States athletes invent two much more entertaining games with a soccer ball

1950: Unaware they could take on new players to replace old ones, the U.S. loses 12-1 with the same team that played in 1930's World Cup

1954: One of the most talented U.S. squads in history is still unable to qualify after failing to send in its World Cup application on time

1958: The world knew the U.S. team was destined for failure when it unveiled its one-name soccer sensation, "Bert"

1986: The U.S. fails to qualify after Paul Caligiuri hits what is commonly regarded as the worst corner kick in the history of the world

1988: This year is considered the rebirth of American soccer after enough people sign up to have a national team

1990: The United States is quickly eliminated after losing to the United States 1-0

1994: This incarnation of the U.S. team probably did okay because people still kind of recognize the names Tony Meola and Alexi Lalas

1999: The U.S. women's team wins the World Cup

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