Teams To Watch In This Year’s NCAA Tournament

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Teams To Watch In This Year’s NCAA Tournament

  • Florida Gulf Coast: One year after captivating the nation with their improbable Sweet 16 run, these scrappy long shots won’t let the fact that they’re not in the tournament keep them from going all the way
  • Creighton: With his team’s March Madness fortunes resting on his shoulders, Bluejays star forward Doug McDermott must make sure to fade away into obscurity after the tournament and not before it
  • Louisville: Provided someone steps up and suffers a grotesque leg injury to rile up the team, the Cardinals stand a very strong chance of winning back-to-back national championships
  • Coastal Carolina: Count out these underdogs
  • Eastern Kentucky: The Colonels should be a very popular pick among people who mistake them for regular Kentucky
  • Michigan: This Wolverines team might just have what it takes to live up to the Fab Five’s accomplishments in the early 1990s
  • North Carolina: A strong showing would do a lot for a program still clinging to the legacy of Michael Jordan, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Tyler Hansbrough, James Worthy, Robert McAdoo, Larry Brown, Brad Daugherty, and Walter Davis
  • North Dakota State: Probably the most dominant of the North Dakota schools in this year’s tournament
  • Harvard: Like most of the smaller schools, administrators are just hoping a tournament appearance will boost their university’s national profile and increase applications
  • Duke: Nah


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close