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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Teams To Watch In This Year’s NCAA Tournament

  • Florida Gulf Coast: One year after captivating the nation with their improbable Sweet 16 run, these scrappy long shots won’t let the fact that they’re not in the tournament keep them from going all the way
  • Creighton: With his team’s March Madness fortunes resting on his shoulders, Bluejays star forward Doug McDermott must make sure to fade away into obscurity after the tournament and not before it
  • Louisville: Provided someone steps up and suffers a grotesque leg injury to rile up the team, the Cardinals stand a very strong chance of winning back-to-back national championships
  • Coastal Carolina: Count out these underdogs
  • Eastern Kentucky: The Colonels should be a very popular pick among people who mistake them for regular Kentucky
  • Michigan: This Wolverines team might just have what it takes to live up to the Fab Five’s accomplishments in the early 1990s
  • North Carolina: A strong showing would do a lot for a program still clinging to the legacy of Michael Jordan, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Tyler Hansbrough, James Worthy, Robert McAdoo, Larry Brown, Brad Daugherty, and Walter Davis
  • North Dakota State: Probably the most dominant of the North Dakota schools in this year’s tournament
  • Harvard: Like most of the smaller schools, administrators are just hoping a tournament appearance will boost their university’s national profile and increase applications
  • Duke: Nah

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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