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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Teams To Watch In This Year’s NCAA Tournament

  • Florida Gulf Coast: One year after captivating the nation with their improbable Sweet 16 run, these scrappy long shots won’t let the fact that they’re not in the tournament keep them from going all the way
  • Creighton: With his team’s March Madness fortunes resting on his shoulders, Bluejays star forward Doug McDermott must make sure to fade away into obscurity after the tournament and not before it
  • Louisville: Provided someone steps up and suffers a grotesque leg injury to rile up the team, the Cardinals stand a very strong chance of winning back-to-back national championships
  • Coastal Carolina: Count out these underdogs
  • Eastern Kentucky: The Colonels should be a very popular pick among people who mistake them for regular Kentucky
  • Michigan: This Wolverines team might just have what it takes to live up to the Fab Five’s accomplishments in the early 1990s
  • North Carolina: A strong showing would do a lot for a program still clinging to the legacy of Michael Jordan, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Tyler Hansbrough, James Worthy, Robert McAdoo, Larry Brown, Brad Daugherty, and Walter Davis
  • North Dakota State: Probably the most dominant of the North Dakota schools in this year’s tournament
  • Harvard: Like most of the smaller schools, administrators are just hoping a tournament appearance will boost their university’s national profile and increase applications
  • Duke: Nah

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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