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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Technical Problems Throughout NASCAR History

An as-yet undiagnosed tire-related issue meant that NASCAR's Brickyard 400 was a minor disaster, but it isn't the first time mechanical setbacks have struck the least advanced form of motorsport:

1950: Due to both steering and visual problems, two cars collide violently in the middle of a race

1971: Window netting adopted following the tragic decapitation of Wally Hucklepup, Richard Petty's beloved coon hound

1975: To fight the problem of track debris accumulating in the bodywork, NASCAR bans the El Camino from competition

1979: When Cale Yarborough's secret turbo is stolen by the Jethro Brothers, Bo and Luke must outwit Boss Hogg to get it back—without breaking parole

1981: Dadgum thing just up and quit workin' on me; never happened when my cousin owned it, I tell you what

1984: Teams struggle to come to grips with new technologies as NASCAR introduces the "suspension," the "chassis," and the "tires with air inside them"

1990: 225,000 deaths result when every fan in the Darlington Speedway stands slowly falls asleep and asphyxiates when faulty valves on all the competing cars result in a massive carbon monoxide leak

1996: Due to faulty engine mounts, the entire drive train is torn out of Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s Chevrolet in the second-worst mechanical failure of his career

2007: The Coca-Cola 600 grinds to a halt as pit-crew men up and down pit row stare in gape-jawed incomprehension at the sight of a metric fastener on Dale Jarrett's Toyota

2008: Tony Stewart's #20 car is forced off the track after suffering catastrophic decal failure

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