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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Technical Problems Throughout NASCAR History

An as-yet undiagnosed tire-related issue meant that NASCAR's Brickyard 400 was a minor disaster, but it isn't the first time mechanical setbacks have struck the least advanced form of motorsport:

1950: Due to both steering and visual problems, two cars collide violently in the middle of a race

1971: Window netting adopted following the tragic decapitation of Wally Hucklepup, Richard Petty's beloved coon hound

1975: To fight the problem of track debris accumulating in the bodywork, NASCAR bans the El Camino from competition

1979: When Cale Yarborough's secret turbo is stolen by the Jethro Brothers, Bo and Luke must outwit Boss Hogg to get it back—without breaking parole

1981: Dadgum thing just up and quit workin' on me; never happened when my cousin owned it, I tell you what

1984: Teams struggle to come to grips with new technologies as NASCAR introduces the "suspension," the "chassis," and the "tires with air inside them"

1990: 225,000 deaths result when every fan in the Darlington Speedway stands slowly falls asleep and asphyxiates when faulty valves on all the competing cars result in a massive carbon monoxide leak

1996: Due to faulty engine mounts, the entire drive train is torn out of Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s Chevrolet in the second-worst mechanical failure of his career

2007: The Coca-Cola 600 grinds to a halt as pit-crew men up and down pit row stare in gape-jawed incomprehension at the sight of a metric fastener on Dale Jarrett's Toyota

2008: Tony Stewart's #20 car is forced off the track after suffering catastrophic decal failure

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