Technicians Repair Dole's Circuits, Human-like Casing for Next Primary

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Vol 29 Issue 07

Behold The Magic Flying Man

People of the Earth! Raise your gaze skyward and BEHOLD! Soaring above you on magical wings of purest silver flies Frank Gartley, the Magic Flying Man!

Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

DETROIT, MI—At an emotional press conference yesterday, Detroit police officer John McCullough an-nounced his guilt in the murder of longtime partner Mitch Peterson and vowed not to rest until he tracks himself down.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

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