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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Terrell Owens Career Highlights

1978: Directs his first really good passive-aggressive comment toward his mother's habit of washing dishes while he's trying to watch TV

1988: Drops his first pass, realizes it isn't so bad

1996: In only three hours, manages to destroy the team chemistry of the caterers working at the NFL Draft

1999: Turns a 10-yard hook route into a 78-yard first down celebration

2000: Celebrates two TDs on Texas Stadium's midfield star logo as a visiting player, proving to Jerry Jones that he is Cowboys material

2004: Hints that Jeff Garcia may be gay by saying he sees Garcia at all the gay bars he frequents

2005: Wins his part of the Super Bowl

2006: Takes a lot of drugs for some reason, but reportedly not to kill himself out of self-loathing, which is odd, as that would make a lot of sense

2007: Celebrates a touchdown against the Packers by throwing a rack of barbecued baby back ribs into his face

1996–2008: Totally wide open on that play

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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