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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Thanksgiving Football Highlights

  • 1920: The Akron Pros, Decatur Staleys, Dayton Triangles, and Chicago Boosters all emerge victorious in what is surely something made up on Wikipedia
  • 1956: Although CBS receives the rights to televise the game between the Packers and the Lions, the network refuses to show any plays covering more than 10 yards, as they are deemed unsuitable for home audiences
  • 1989: The Philadelphia-Dallas game becomes known as the Bounty Bowl due to Eagles coach Buddy Ryan allegedly offering players a year's supply of paper towels to injure Cowboys kicker Luis Zendejas
  • 1993: In what millions of viewers describe as a beautiful and uplifting experience, snow falls in droves at Texas Stadium and the Cowboys lose in the last second
  • 1994: In attempt to slow down the Packers pass rush, the Cowboys bolster their offensive line by stuffing guards Larry Allen and Nate Newton with 400 pounds of oyster dressing
  • 1998: After losing the overtime coin toss, the Steelers' Jerome Bettis insists his in-air call of "coin" was technically correct
  • 2000: In a rambling interview embarrassing for everyone involved, John Madden forces Randy Moss to compare his two-TD, 144-yard performance to the "cranberry sauce on the Thanksgiving table"
  • 2009: The goddamned Lions play again

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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