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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Thanksgiving Football Highlights

  • 1920: The Akron Pros, Decatur Staleys, Dayton Triangles, and Chicago Boosters all emerge victorious in what is surely something made up on Wikipedia
  • 1956: Although CBS receives the rights to televise the game between the Packers and the Lions, the network refuses to show any plays covering more than 10 yards, as they are deemed unsuitable for home audiences
  • 1989: The Philadelphia-Dallas game becomes known as the Bounty Bowl due to Eagles coach Buddy Ryan allegedly offering players a year's supply of paper towels to injure Cowboys kicker Luis Zendejas
  • 1993: In what millions of viewers describe as a beautiful and uplifting experience, snow falls in droves at Texas Stadium and the Cowboys lose in the last second
  • 1994: In attempt to slow down the Packers pass rush, the Cowboys bolster their offensive line by stuffing guards Larry Allen and Nate Newton with 400 pounds of oyster dressing
  • 1998: After losing the overtime coin toss, the Steelers' Jerome Bettis insists his in-air call of "coin" was technically correct
  • 2000: In a rambling interview embarrassing for everyone involved, John Madden forces Randy Moss to compare his two-TD, 144-yard performance to the "cranberry sauce on the Thanksgiving table"
  • 2009: The goddamned Lions play again

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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