BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.
‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom
RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.
SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.
SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.
ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.
SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.
BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.
WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.
NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.
SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.
PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.
DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.
COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.
NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.
LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.
AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.
CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.
CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
ASHEBORO, NC—Quietly slinking into his office’s break room after spying the unattended confections from afar, area marketing associate Dan Keegan reportedly approached a box of powdered doughnuts Monday like a pine snake discovering an unguarded clutch of bluebird eggs.
MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.
BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.
OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing.