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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The 2013 Best Picture Nominees

The 85th Academy Awards will be held Sunday night in Hollywood to celebrate achievements in film over the previous year. Here’s a look at the Best Picture nominees:

  • Lincoln: Daniel Day-Lewis and Andy Serkis are virtual Academy Awards locks for their respective portrayals of Abraham Lincoln and his CGI stovepipe hat
  • Argo: Oscar voters may not support this film, as every scene starring actor/director Ben Affleck is shaky and out of focus because there was nobody behind the camera to direct it
  • The Trailer for Flight: This gripping two-and-a-half-minute thrill ride, which features a moving dramatic arc and a phenomenal ensemble performance, previews the non-Oscar-nominated feature film Flight
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild: Russell Brand and George Lopez provide the voices of two hilarious beasts who find themselves a long, long way from home: New York City!
  • Paper Bag: A child in a slightly neglectful home finds a magic world inside a paper bag in a story slow enough to seem important
  • Les Misérables: Hugh Jackman delivers a star turn as Lester Misérables, the fanciest barber in Paris
  • Silver Linings Playbook: Didn’t see it
  • Life of Pi: Remake of the 1950s Mickey Rooney comedy-musical Tiger Boat
  • Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino’s latest action flick drew controversy for using the words “nigger” and “boner” over 100 times each
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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