GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Citing the threat posed to their children's safety, a Grand Rapids-area parents group is calling for the removal of arsenic from the periodic table of elements. "Our schoolchildren, some as young as the fourth grade, are being exposed to this deadly element in their science classes," said Tricia Montcalm, president of the Grand Rapids Parents Association. "We insist that this poison be removed from the periodic table and replaced with a safe, non-toxic element." To date, the group has raised over $4,500 for the development of a replacement element, "Nickelodeum," a springy, child-safe play foam with an atomic number of 33.
WASHINGTON, DC–Congressional passage of a landmark hate-crime bill is being delayed by the nation's powerful pro-hate lobby, it was reported Tuesday. "If this bill were to pass, hatred would be illegal in all 50 states," said Terrence Boswell, president of Americans For Hate. "This bill, which requires all Amercians to get along and like each other, goes against everything our organization believes in, and we are taking a stand." Americans For Hate's lobbying efforts have won over numerous legislators, including U.S. Rep. William Schourek (R-TX), who was re-elected to Congress Tuesday on a pro-hate platform. "Hate is a vital aspect of our shared culture, and it would be deeply missed if it were to disappear," Schourek said.
CORBIN, KY–Local food-service worker Earl Baxter was reduced to this Tuesday, when a Hardee's customer lost a metal bracelet in the restaurant's dumpster and Baxter's manager instructed him to retrieve it. "So, this is how far I've come," said Baxter, wading through the giant trash receptacle in search of the mislaid bauble. "I'm actually reduced to this." His arms blackened to the elbows by coffee grounds, Baxter noted that he could have been a mechanic earning $30,000 a year by now, had he gone to trade school. "Woulda gotten me outta this," said the reduced-to-this Baxter.
CHICAGO–Eight-year-old Ashley Jennings, described as "the sweetest little girl in the whole world," provided a warm, comfortable home for a stray bullet Monday. "Ashley opened up her heart and let that bullet in," Chicago police officer Michael O'Shea said. "This was the kind of girl who would give you her last dime, stop to help a stranger or give a wayward shard of hot metal a place to stay in her chest." Said Jeff Kutcher, who witnessed the act of hospitality, "A fraction of a second after the bullet left its former home, Ashley unhesitatingly gave it a new one. If all of Chicago's children were as kind-hearted as Ashley, no bullet would ever go homeless again."
Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of shit going down. You know how it goes. Same old, same old. Like the wise man said, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."
My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial woes in the Orient. As a 132-year-old man, I have seen how the Republic's economic fortunes ebb and flow like the tide. Certainly, many of you will experience troubles, and some of you will take your lives as a result, which is probably for the better. Never-the-less, I wish to assure you young squabs that every-thing will eventually work out.
As we hurtle toward the next millennium, we should take a moment to pause and judiciously examine the state of our country. The years ahead will no doubt bring wondrous advances in computers, HDTV, electric automobiles, and the like. But none of this will matter if we do not address the most pressing problem facing us today–the sorry state of our nation's physical infrastructure.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
GREENVILLE, DE—With the man having long since strayed from the familiar path of the toll-free number’s main menu, sources confirmed that local Comcast customer Michael Hadlow had entered the remote backwoods of the cable company’s automa...
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Having found himself without others to interact with at a house party Wednesday, guest Ben Weaver reportedly attempted to enter a conversation by spending a few minutes just smiling and nodding at the edge of a circle of people.