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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50

The first issue of the famed Marvel Comics title The Amazing Spider-Man debuted on store shelves in March 1963. Here are some of the legendary superhero’s most memorable moments of the past 50 years:

  • Aug. 1962: The iconic superhero is first created when Stan Lee realizes he can just throw any noun in front of the word “man” and a bunch of idiots will lap it up
  • May 1963: Spider-Man’s practice of paralyzing his enemies with a venomous bite and cocooning them in his web for later consumption is deemed too violent and is discontinued
  • June 1975: Spider-Man learns to swim
  • Jan. 1976: Cross-industry blockbuster Spider-Man vs. Richie Rich ends with hard-fought victory for the ol’ web-slinger
  • July 1977: Spider-Man goes to see Star Wars in a movie theater and the rest of the comic just shows the entire film
  • Feb. 1981: In a story ripped from the day’s headlines, Spidey tackles inflation alongside Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker
  • Sept. 1982: Fed up with rampant crime plaguing New York City, Spider-Man purchases a gun
  • Feb. 2001: In an attempt to shoot his own webbing without the help of special effects while on the set of Spider-Man, actor Tobey Maguire accidentally launches over 80 feet of his own blood vessels from his wrists
  • Dec. 2012: In issue #700 of the comic, it is revealed that the spider that bit Peter Parker was not radioactive at all, and that all his superpowers simply came from believing in himself
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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