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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50

The first issue of the famed Marvel Comics title The Amazing Spider-Man debuted on store shelves in March 1963. Here are some of the legendary superhero’s most memorable moments of the past 50 years:

  • Aug. 1962: The iconic superhero is first created when Stan Lee realizes he can just throw any noun in front of the word “man” and a bunch of idiots will lap it up
  • May 1963: Spider-Man’s practice of paralyzing his enemies with a venomous bite and cocooning them in his web for later consumption is deemed too violent and is discontinued
  • June 1975: Spider-Man learns to swim
  • Jan. 1976: Cross-industry blockbuster Spider-Man vs. Richie Rich ends with hard-fought victory for the ol’ web-slinger
  • July 1977: Spider-Man goes to see Star Wars in a movie theater and the rest of the comic just shows the entire film
  • Feb. 1981: In a story ripped from the day’s headlines, Spidey tackles inflation alongside Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker
  • Sept. 1982: Fed up with rampant crime plaguing New York City, Spider-Man purchases a gun
  • Feb. 2001: In an attempt to shoot his own webbing without the help of special effects while on the set of Spider-Man, actor Tobey Maguire accidentally launches over 80 feet of his own blood vessels from his wrists
  • Dec. 2012: In issue #700 of the comic, it is revealed that the spider that bit Peter Parker was not radioactive at all, and that all his superpowers simply came from believing in himself

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