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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment

The heated debate over capital punishment has been reignited after the botched execution of Clayton Lockett in Oklahoma, in which the inmate suffered what has been described as a tortured death at the hands of the state, having succumbed to a heart attack 43 minutes after an untested combination of drugs was injected into his bloodstream. Here are the leading arguments for and against the death penalty:

FOR

  • Every now and then you get a guilty one
  • Last meals often inmates’ only chance to have king crab legs
  • Hammurabi’s Code has never steered civilization wrong before
  • Deterrent effect on those considering snapping and killing family in blind rage
  • Your constituency is pretty gung ho about it
  • Bestows much-needed closure for executioners

AGAINST

  • Better for prisoner to be fully rehabilitated over course of seven consecutive life sentences
  • We don’t get to watch
  • Prevents brutal rapists and murderers from being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment
  • Wasn’t a huge fan of victim
  • Squanders tax dollars that could be better used to build larger, scarier prisons
  • Prosecuting attorney already living with guilt of knowing he falsely imprisoned someone

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