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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment

The heated debate over capital punishment has been reignited after the botched execution of Clayton Lockett in Oklahoma, in which the inmate suffered what has been described as a tortured death at the hands of the state, having succumbed to a heart attack 43 minutes after an untested combination of drugs was injected into his bloodstream. Here are the leading arguments for and against the death penalty:

FOR

  • Every now and then you get a guilty one
  • Last meals often inmates’ only chance to have king crab legs
  • Hammurabi’s Code has never steered civilization wrong before
  • Deterrent effect on those considering snapping and killing family in blind rage
  • Your constituency is pretty gung ho about it
  • Bestows much-needed closure for executioners

AGAINST

  • Better for prisoner to be fully rehabilitated over course of seven consecutive life sentences
  • We don’t get to watch
  • Prevents brutal rapists and murderers from being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment
  • Wasn’t a huge fan of victim
  • Squanders tax dollars that could be better used to build larger, scarier prisons
  • Prosecuting attorney already living with guilt of knowing he falsely imprisoned someone
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