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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Case For And Against Animal Testing

Laboratories experiment on an estimated 26 million animals every year to determine whether commercial products and medications are safe for humans, a practice that many activists argue is inhumane and can be replaced by other testing methods. Here are the leading arguments for and against animal testing:

FOR:

  • Animals cannot feel pain or experience fear
  • Puts long-tailed macaques in their place
  • Pretty much the only way to mutilate hamsters without seeming like psychopath
  • Human race may live to see the final elimination of split ends and frizz
  • Satiates scientists’ bloodlust and keeps them from going after humans
  • No chance whatsoever that our present-day treatment of animals will be judged harshly by future generations

AGAINST:

  • Animals do not always appreciate that they are part of something bigger than selves
  • Alternative methods of testing do not demonstrate sexy shine of Summer Shimmer lip gloss in same way
  • Kind of mean
  • Testing cosmetics on animals creates unattainable standard of beauty for animals in control group
  • These are animals we could be eating
  • Knowledge that animals suffered in product testing can cause untold milliseconds of emotional distress for consumers
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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