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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Case For And Against Circumcision

Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:

FOR

  • Penis tans more evenly
  • Kid already European enough as it is
  • Never have to wash genitals
  • Lots of really cute cuts available these days
  • Frames the balls better
  • Baby will probably have some leftover painkillers
  • Not our penis we’re talking about here

AGAINST

  • Penis loses value once removed from original packaging
  • Get to describe baby as “my fully intact son”
  • Mohel looks like he’s had about eight cups of coffee
  • Probably have to do some paperwork
  • Not performing circumcision immediately after birth allows parents to hold it threateningly over son’s head for rest of life
  • Traditional family gathering just as enjoyable without foreskin
  • Some individuals wary of having someone cut off a piece of their penis with a knife
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