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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The Case For And Against Circumcision

Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:

FOR

  • Penis tans more evenly
  • Kid already European enough as it is
  • Never have to wash genitals
  • Lots of really cute cuts available these days
  • Frames the balls better
  • Baby will probably have some leftover painkillers
  • Not our penis we’re talking about here

AGAINST

  • Penis loses value once removed from original packaging
  • Get to describe baby as “my fully intact son”
  • Mohel looks like he’s had about eight cups of coffee
  • Probably have to do some paperwork
  • Not performing circumcision immediately after birth allows parents to hold it threateningly over son’s head for rest of life
  • Traditional family gathering just as enjoyable without foreskin
  • Some individuals wary of having someone cut off a piece of their penis with a knife

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