adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Case For And Against Circumcision

Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:

FOR

  • Penis tans more evenly
  • Kid already European enough as it is
  • Never have to wash genitals
  • Lots of really cute cuts available these days
  • Frames the balls better
  • Baby will probably have some leftover painkillers
  • Not our penis we’re talking about here

AGAINST

  • Penis loses value once removed from original packaging
  • Get to describe baby as “my fully intact son”
  • Mohel looks like he’s had about eight cups of coffee
  • Probably have to do some paperwork
  • Not performing circumcision immediately after birth allows parents to hold it threateningly over son’s head for rest of life
  • Traditional family gathering just as enjoyable without foreskin
  • Some individuals wary of having someone cut off a piece of their penis with a knife

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close