adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR

  • Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman
  • Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers
  • Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Track Down Your Target, Provoke A Fight, Then Stand Your Ground” law
  • That scary photo of Trayvon Martin flipping off the camera
  • Big, round, happy moonface reminiscent of beloved comedian Jonathan Winters
  • Not convicting him would have a fun “Wow, how the fuck did this happen?” kind of craziness to it
  • Only shot unarmed black guy once, as opposed to national average of 21 times
  • Presence of an eloquent and highly persuasive Henry Fonda in the jury box
  • He didn’t do it

AGAINST

  • Murdered a kid
  • Alibi that he was bowling with friends at the time of the crime falls apart under close scrutiny
  • Decency, common sense, basic morality, etc.
  • Best-case scenario: He got into a fight with a 17-year-old and then shot and killed him
  • His original description of Trayvon Martin as 8 feet tall, 250 pounds, and carrying a semiautomatic is dodgy at best
  • Chilling 911 call features Zimmerman saying, “Hold on a sec, I’m going to kill this black kid real quick”
  • Millions of paranoid, racist assholes leaping to Zimmerman’s support may actually be hurting his public image
  • Always good to make the American legal system seem fair from time to time

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close