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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

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The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR

  • Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman
  • Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers
  • Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Track Down Your Target, Provoke A Fight, Then Stand Your Ground” law
  • That scary photo of Trayvon Martin flipping off the camera
  • Big, round, happy moonface reminiscent of beloved comedian Jonathan Winters
  • Not convicting him would have a fun “Wow, how the fuck did this happen?” kind of craziness to it
  • Only shot unarmed black guy once, as opposed to national average of 21 times
  • Presence of an eloquent and highly persuasive Henry Fonda in the jury box
  • He didn’t do it

AGAINST

  • Murdered a kid
  • Alibi that he was bowling with friends at the time of the crime falls apart under close scrutiny
  • Decency, common sense, basic morality, etc.
  • Best-case scenario: He got into a fight with a 17-year-old and then shot and killed him
  • His original description of Trayvon Martin as 8 feet tall, 250 pounds, and carrying a semiautomatic is dodgy at best
  • Chilling 911 call features Zimmerman saying, “Hold on a sec, I’m going to kill this black kid real quick”
  • Millions of paranoid, racist assholes leaping to Zimmerman’s support may actually be hurting his public image
  • Always good to make the American legal system seem fair from time to time

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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