The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

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George Zimmerman

George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery

SANFORD, FL—Just days after being fully acquitted for his role in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman reportedly won the $37 million Florida Lottery jackpot last night.
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The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR

  • Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman
  • Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers
  • Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Track Down Your Target, Provoke A Fight, Then Stand Your Ground” law
  • That scary photo of Trayvon Martin flipping off the camera
  • Big, round, happy moonface reminiscent of beloved comedian Jonathan Winters
  • Not convicting him would have a fun “Wow, how the fuck did this happen?” kind of craziness to it
  • Only shot unarmed black guy once, as opposed to national average of 21 times
  • Presence of an eloquent and highly persuasive Henry Fonda in the jury box
  • He didn’t do it

AGAINST

  • Murdered a kid
  • Alibi that he was bowling with friends at the time of the crime falls apart under close scrutiny
  • Decency, common sense, basic morality, etc.
  • Best-case scenario: He got into a fight with a 17-year-old and then shot and killed him
  • His original description of Trayvon Martin as 8 feet tall, 250 pounds, and carrying a semiautomatic is dodgy at best
  • Chilling 911 call features Zimmerman saying, “Hold on a sec, I’m going to kill this black kid real quick”
  • Millions of paranoid, racist assholes leaping to Zimmerman’s support may actually be hurting his public image
  • Always good to make the American legal system seem fair from time to time