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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S. military role. Here are the arguments for and against American involvement in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation:

FOR:

  • It’s the right thing to do, maybe
  • Let American people finally sleep at night after years of being tormented by thoughts of innocent Syrians dying
  • Will put thousands of honest, diligent American Tomahawk cruise missiles back to work
  • We’re the good guys
  • Syrian people deserve to be free of a psychotic, oppressive dictator for a few weeks
  • Moral obligation to our defense industry
  • Footage of missiles being launched off decks of ships, green night-vision images, aerial shots of explosions—all that good stuff
  • Have plenty of money, a fresh, rested military—why not?
  • Be nice to throw Kathryn Bigelow a bone
  • Chance for Obama to put an exclamation point on an already great year
  • It’s been a while since we did one of these things

AGAINST:

  • Someone might be hurt, or even die
  • Could turn Russia and Iran against U.S.
  • History
  • Fear of setting a precedent of military action without U.N. approval
  • Slight, almost infinitesimal chance intervention might be a completely ineffectual act that even further destabilizes the region, touching off massive anti-American sentiment while allowing jihadist radicals to take power
  • Painful memories of intervening in Rwandan genocide
  • It’s hard
  • Bashar al-Assad just had a baby. A baby!
  • Bush invaded a foreign country. If Obama invades a foreign country, he will be like Bush. It is not good to be like Bush.
  • If we ever want to patch things up with Assad, this won’t exactly make that conversation a cake walk
  • Situation might work itself out

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