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The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S. military role. Here are the arguments for and against American involvement in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation:

FOR:

  • It’s the right thing to do, maybe
  • Let American people finally sleep at night after years of being tormented by thoughts of innocent Syrians dying
  • Will put thousands of honest, diligent American Tomahawk cruise missiles back to work
  • We’re the good guys
  • Syrian people deserve to be free of a psychotic, oppressive dictator for a few weeks
  • Moral obligation to our defense industry
  • Footage of missiles being launched off decks of ships, green night-vision images, aerial shots of explosions—all that good stuff
  • Have plenty of money, a fresh, rested military—why not?
  • Be nice to throw Kathryn Bigelow a bone
  • Chance for Obama to put an exclamation point on an already great year
  • It’s been a while since we did one of these things

AGAINST:

  • Someone might be hurt, or even die
  • Could turn Russia and Iran against U.S.
  • History
  • Fear of setting a precedent of military action without U.N. approval
  • Slight, almost infinitesimal chance intervention might be a completely ineffectual act that even further destabilizes the region, touching off massive anti-American sentiment while allowing jihadist radicals to take power
  • Painful memories of intervening in Rwandan genocide
  • It’s hard
  • Bashar al-Assad just had a baby. A baby!
  • Bush invaded a foreign country. If Obama invades a foreign country, he will be like Bush. It is not good to be like Bush.
  • If we ever want to patch things up with Assad, this won’t exactly make that conversation a cake walk
  • Situation might work itself out

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