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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Colorado and Washington by legalizing the drug for recreational use. Here are the arguments for and against legalizing marijuana:

PRO

  • Americans would get to lie back, relax, and have healthy appetites for a change
  • Convenience of being able to buy pot from local Walgreens versus inconvenience of having to buy pot from parking lot of local Walgreens
  • No longer have to use belt to experience high
  • Fuckin’ Terry can’t charge $80 for an eighth anymore
  • The FDA would be able to finally regulate the quality and safety of marijuana, just as they flawlessly do with the thousands of prescription drugs currently on the market
  • Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face
  • Reduced stigma surrounding people with cannabis-leaf face tattoos
  • We could smoke a ton of pot

CON

  • No room to fit a “D” into “Legalize It” tattoo
  • State prosecutors would have far fewer options for incarcerating inner-city minority youths for decades
  • Would require costly rewriting of nation’s D.A.R.E. curriculum
  • 17-year-old Jennifer Kalpers thought pot was pretty cool. That is, until she got high and went out driving with her friends. Kalpers accidentally swerved into a telephone pole, killing her instantly. Still think smoking pot is cool?
  • You and your dealer would slowly drift apart
  • Scent of T-shirt from first Red Hot Chili Peppers concert would lose its mystique
  • Increased unemployment among drug-sniffing dogs
  • Marijuana advocates will have triumphant story to tell

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