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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Colorado and Washington by legalizing the drug for recreational use. Here are the arguments for and against legalizing marijuana:

PRO

  • Americans would get to lie back, relax, and have healthy appetites for a change
  • Convenience of being able to buy pot from local Walgreens versus inconvenience of having to buy pot from parking lot of local Walgreens
  • No longer have to use belt to experience high
  • Fuckin’ Terry can’t charge $80 for an eighth anymore
  • The FDA would be able to finally regulate the quality and safety of marijuana, just as they flawlessly do with the thousands of prescription drugs currently on the market
  • Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face
  • Reduced stigma surrounding people with cannabis-leaf face tattoos
  • We could smoke a ton of pot

CON

  • No room to fit a “D” into “Legalize It” tattoo
  • State prosecutors would have far fewer options for incarcerating inner-city minority youths for decades
  • Would require costly rewriting of nation’s D.A.R.E. curriculum
  • 17-year-old Jennifer Kalpers thought pot was pretty cool. That is, until she got high and went out driving with her friends. Kalpers accidentally swerved into a telephone pole, killing her instantly. Still think smoking pot is cool?
  • You and your dealer would slowly drift apart
  • Scent of T-shirt from first Red Hot Chili Peppers concert would lose its mystique
  • Increased unemployment among drug-sniffing dogs
  • Marijuana advocates will have triumphant story to tell

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