adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Colorado and Washington by legalizing the drug for recreational use. Here are the arguments for and against legalizing marijuana:

PRO

  • Americans would get to lie back, relax, and have healthy appetites for a change
  • Convenience of being able to buy pot from local Walgreens versus inconvenience of having to buy pot from parking lot of local Walgreens
  • No longer have to use belt to experience high
  • Fuckin’ Terry can’t charge $80 for an eighth anymore
  • The FDA would be able to finally regulate the quality and safety of marijuana, just as they flawlessly do with the thousands of prescription drugs currently on the market
  • Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face
  • Reduced stigma surrounding people with cannabis-leaf face tattoos
  • We could smoke a ton of pot

CON

  • No room to fit a “D” into “Legalize It” tattoo
  • State prosecutors would have far fewer options for incarcerating inner-city minority youths for decades
  • Would require costly rewriting of nation’s D.A.R.E. curriculum
  • 17-year-old Jennifer Kalpers thought pot was pretty cool. That is, until she got high and went out driving with her friends. Kalpers accidentally swerved into a telephone pole, killing her instantly. Still think smoking pot is cool?
  • You and your dealer would slowly drift apart
  • Scent of T-shirt from first Red Hot Chili Peppers concert would lose its mystique
  • Increased unemployment among drug-sniffing dogs
  • Marijuana advocates will have triumphant story to tell
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings