The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana

Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Colorado and Washington by legalizing the drug for recreational use. Here are the arguments for and against legalizing marijuana:

PRO

  • Americans would get to lie back, relax, and have healthy appetites for a change
  • Convenience of being able to buy pot from local Walgreens versus inconvenience of having to buy pot from parking lot of local Walgreens
  • No longer have to use belt to experience high
  • Fuckin’ Terry can’t charge $80 for an eighth anymore
  • The FDA would be able to finally regulate the quality and safety of marijuana, just as they flawlessly do with the thousands of prescription drugs currently on the market
  • Would allow us to fulfill our lifelong dream of blowing pot smoke right in a cop’s face
  • Reduced stigma surrounding people with cannabis-leaf face tattoos
  • We could smoke a ton of pot

CON

  • No room to fit a “D” into “Legalize It” tattoo
  • State prosecutors would have far fewer options for incarcerating inner-city minority youths for decades
  • Would require costly rewriting of nation’s D.A.R.E. curriculum
  • 17-year-old Jennifer Kalpers thought pot was pretty cool. That is, until she got high and went out driving with her friends. Kalpers accidentally swerved into a telephone pole, killing her instantly. Still think smoking pot is cool?
  • You and your dealer would slowly drift apart
  • Scent of T-shirt from first Red Hot Chili Peppers concert would lose its mystique
  • Increased unemployment among drug-sniffing dogs
  • Marijuana advocates will have triumphant story to tell