adBlockCheck

The Controversial AIG Bonuses

Top Headlines

Business

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Controversial AIG Bonuses

Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought down AIG would receive bonuses. Who got the bonuses and why?

Doorman Arnie Frank: Opened the door in the front of the building, which let everyone into the office

Vice president William Cage: Figured out they could give themselves obscene bonuses and there would be nothing anyone could do about it

Financial Engineer David Kang: Suggested using the term "credit default swaps" instead of the original name "shitty insurance on bizarre abstractions with absolutely no chance of payment in the event of underlying bond default"

Trader Edward Goldman: Slicked-back hair and monogrammed money clip reminded coworkers why they were screwing people over in the first place

Associate Kevin Rechter: Has two children to support, and they both require horses

Analyst Linda Tarrey: Felt strongly that AIG should not have behaved as it did

Executive vice president Gerald Huntley: Won the "How long until the public finds out about this shit?" office pool

Former division president Joe Cassano: Almost single-handedly drove the entire company—and nearly the global financial system—into the ground, which, you have to admit, is pretty impressive

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close