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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.
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The Controversial AIG Bonuses

Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought down AIG would receive bonuses. Who got the bonuses and why?

Doorman Arnie Frank: Opened the door in the front of the building, which let everyone into the office

Vice president William Cage: Figured out they could give themselves obscene bonuses and there would be nothing anyone could do about it

Financial Engineer David Kang: Suggested using the term "credit default swaps" instead of the original name "shitty insurance on bizarre abstractions with absolutely no chance of payment in the event of underlying bond default"

Trader Edward Goldman: Slicked-back hair and monogrammed money clip reminded coworkers why they were screwing people over in the first place

Associate Kevin Rechter: Has two children to support, and they both require horses

Analyst Linda Tarrey: Felt strongly that AIG should not have behaved as it did

Executive vice president Gerald Huntley: Won the "How long until the public finds out about this shit?" office pool

Former division president Joe Cassano: Almost single-handedly drove the entire company—and nearly the global financial system—into the ground, which, you have to admit, is pretty impressive

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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

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