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The Cost Of The Average ER Visit

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

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PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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The Cost Of The Average ER Visit

The average cost of visiting the emergency room is currently $1,233, or 40 percent more than what most Americans pay for rent, leading many to criticize the high cost of emergency care. Here’s a breakdown of charges the average American incurs when visiting the ER:

  • $36: Codeine pill you can easily get from Tyler down the street for like 10 bucks
  • $800: Timely, responsive care from physicians who never inexplicably leave patient waiting for hours on end
  • $8: Few extra sips of IV fluid
  • $2,500: Routine organ rotation
  • $11: Oak tongue depressor
  • $125: Paternity test, since child is there anyway
  • $300: Vial of healing tonic
  • $1,000: Video footage of cool camera shot looking down on your face as they wheel you in all fast
  • $200: Commemorative framed picture of you and your attending physician
  • $5: Tip

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