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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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The Cost Of The Average ER Visit

The average cost of visiting the emergency room is currently $1,233, or 40 percent more than what most Americans pay for rent, leading many to criticize the high cost of emergency care. Here’s a breakdown of charges the average American incurs when visiting the ER:

  • $36: Codeine pill you can easily get from Tyler down the street for like 10 bucks
  • $800: Timely, responsive care from physicians who never inexplicably leave patient waiting for hours on end
  • $8: Few extra sips of IV fluid
  • $2,500: Routine organ rotation
  • $11: Oak tongue depressor
  • $125: Paternity test, since child is there anyway
  • $300: Vial of healing tonic
  • $1,000: Video footage of cool camera shot looking down on your face as they wheel you in all fast
  • $200: Commemorative framed picture of you and your attending physician
  • $5: Tip
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