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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The Cowboys Collapse

They were a favorite preseason Super Bowl pick, but Dallas is stumbling at the halfway point. What exactly went wrong?

Backup QB Brad Johnson unable to inspire confidence in team, as everyone thinks his 2002 Bucs Super Bowl ring is a fake

Receiver Miles Austin's flashes of potential are balanced out by long, steady periods of incompetence

Sacking the quarterback four times in the same play is not only classless and ineffective, but is actually a penalty

God finally used hole in stadium roof to watch Cowboys play, was disgusted with what He saw, decided to do something about it

Terrell Owens' desire to get ball abated significantly when he realized other team would hit the man carrying it

Jerry Jones not quite interfering enough

Playbook just diagrams of taunting and celebrations

Defense needs to work on fundamentals of arm tackles

Inevitable letdown after winning Super Bowl during preseason

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