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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The Cowboys Collapse

They were a favorite preseason Super Bowl pick, but Dallas is stumbling at the halfway point. What exactly went wrong?

Backup QB Brad Johnson unable to inspire confidence in team, as everyone thinks his 2002 Bucs Super Bowl ring is a fake

Receiver Miles Austin's flashes of potential are balanced out by long, steady periods of incompetence

Sacking the quarterback four times in the same play is not only classless and ineffective, but is actually a penalty

God finally used hole in stadium roof to watch Cowboys play, was disgusted with what He saw, decided to do something about it

Terrell Owens' desire to get ball abated significantly when he realized other team would hit the man carrying it

Jerry Jones not quite interfering enough

Playbook just diagrams of taunting and celebrations

Defense needs to work on fundamentals of arm tackles

Inevitable letdown after winning Super Bowl during preseason

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