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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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The Debut Of The UNFL

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will focus on developing talent when play begins in January 2009. Here are the league's other noteworthy features:

In addition to playing football, UNFL will also be an international peacekeeping force

A pass will be considered complete if a receiver grabs it on the first bounce

Provides a league for those standout high school players too stupid to get into the University of Miami

Trampolines

In the event that a game goes into overtime, the league will automatically go bankrupt

Specially designed protective cup adds hilarious "Boi-yoi-yoinng!" sound to nut-shots

The commissioner's mom just bought this awesome glow-in-the-dark ball, so the league will use that

Can pretty much guarantee Doug Flutie will try out

To increase excitement, scoring, and make games move faster, field will be shortened to 12 yards

Guys will still run around and hit each other, but you will not know their names

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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