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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The Debut Of The UNFL

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will focus on developing talent when play begins in January 2009. Here are the league's other noteworthy features:

In addition to playing football, UNFL will also be an international peacekeeping force

A pass will be considered complete if a receiver grabs it on the first bounce

Provides a league for those standout high school players too stupid to get into the University of Miami

Trampolines

In the event that a game goes into overtime, the league will automatically go bankrupt

Specially designed protective cup adds hilarious "Boi-yoi-yoinng!" sound to nut-shots

The commissioner's mom just bought this awesome glow-in-the-dark ball, so the league will use that

Can pretty much guarantee Doug Flutie will try out

To increase excitement, scoring, and make games move faster, field will be shortened to 12 yards

Guys will still run around and hit each other, but you will not know their names

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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