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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Debut Of The UNFL

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will focus on developing talent when play begins in January 2009. Here are the league's other noteworthy features:

In addition to playing football, UNFL will also be an international peacekeeping force

A pass will be considered complete if a receiver grabs it on the first bounce

Provides a league for those standout high school players too stupid to get into the University of Miami

Trampolines

In the event that a game goes into overtime, the league will automatically go bankrupt

Specially designed protective cup adds hilarious "Boi-yoi-yoinng!" sound to nut-shots

The commissioner's mom just bought this awesome glow-in-the-dark ball, so the league will use that

Can pretty much guarantee Doug Flutie will try out

To increase excitement, scoring, and make games move faster, field will be shortened to 12 yards

Guys will still run around and hit each other, but you will not know their names

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