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The Debut Of The UNFL

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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The Debut Of The UNFL

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will focus on developing talent when play begins in January 2009. Here are the league's other noteworthy features:

In addition to playing football, UNFL will also be an international peacekeeping force

A pass will be considered complete if a receiver grabs it on the first bounce

Provides a league for those standout high school players too stupid to get into the University of Miami

Trampolines

In the event that a game goes into overtime, the league will automatically go bankrupt

Specially designed protective cup adds hilarious "Boi-yoi-yoinng!" sound to nut-shots

The commissioner's mom just bought this awesome glow-in-the-dark ball, so the league will use that

Can pretty much guarantee Doug Flutie will try out

To increase excitement, scoring, and make games move faster, field will be shortened to 12 yards

Guys will still run around and hit each other, but you will not know their names

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