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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
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The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street

As Occupy Wall Street enters its fifth week, its numbers are growing and the movement is beginning to take shape. Here are some of the protesters' demands:

  • Bank of America should be renamed Bank of Jerkmerica
  • A simple "We're sorry"
  • Corporations should be handing out more free promo items if their profits exceed $1 billion, even if it's just hats or those stupid foam cup-holder things
  • Arcade Fire to play one set for them or, if they're unavailable, Spoon
  • European-style socialist state so we can enjoy the same economic prosperity they do
  • Lower tuition at the private universities in the Northeast they chose to attend instead of in-state public colleges
  • Cheaper Odwallas
  • Holding senior executives accountable for the massive wealth lost and the millions of families they destroyed and making them feel really, really guilty about it

More from this section

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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