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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street

As Occupy Wall Street enters its fifth week, its numbers are growing and the movement is beginning to take shape. Here are some of the protesters' demands:

  • Bank of America should be renamed Bank of Jerkmerica
  • A simple "We're sorry"
  • Corporations should be handing out more free promo items if their profits exceed $1 billion, even if it's just hats or those stupid foam cup-holder things
  • Arcade Fire to play one set for them or, if they're unavailable, Spoon
  • European-style socialist state so we can enjoy the same economic prosperity they do
  • Lower tuition at the private universities in the Northeast they chose to attend instead of in-state public colleges
  • Cheaper Odwallas
  • Holding senior executives accountable for the massive wealth lost and the millions of families they destroyed and making them feel really, really guilty about it

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