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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street

As Occupy Wall Street enters its fifth week, its numbers are growing and the movement is beginning to take shape. Here are some of the protesters' demands:

  • Bank of America should be renamed Bank of Jerkmerica
  • A simple "We're sorry"
  • Corporations should be handing out more free promo items if their profits exceed $1 billion, even if it's just hats or those stupid foam cup-holder things
  • Arcade Fire to play one set for them or, if they're unavailable, Spoon
  • European-style socialist state so we can enjoy the same economic prosperity they do
  • Lower tuition at the private universities in the Northeast they chose to attend instead of in-state public colleges
  • Cheaper Odwallas
  • Holding senior executives accountable for the massive wealth lost and the millions of families they destroyed and making them feel really, really guilty about it

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