WILMINGTON, DE—A brief note from United Family Insurance employee Martin Schatz to a coworker regarding storage-closet office supplies went through eight rewrites Monday. "I wrote it pretty quick and was about to drop it in [Al Miesner's] box when I noticed I used the word 'stapler' twice in the same line," Schatz reported after delivering the final version. "It read kind of weird, so I changed the second 'stapler' to 'it.' But then it read even worse, so I changed it back." Schatz also changed "Thanks!!!" to "Thanks..." fearing that the original punctuation was "a bit too much."
HOLLYWOOD, CA—The Walt Disney Company referred to an obscure, unacclaimed 1944 film as a "classic" prior to its home-video release Tuesday, once again treating the word as tinsel which may be draped arbitrarily upon any random object. "No home-video library is complete without the timeless Disney classic Mairzy Doats," a TV commercial for the reissue said. "These four unforgettable animated vignettes, hosted by Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland, are now available for a new generation to treasure—you know, much like previous generations have done." The 45-minute video joins such previous Disney "classics" as Melody Time,Fun & Fancy Free,Make Mine Music, and Tarzan.
VANCOUVER, WA—A third spilled beverage in less than six hours made Dan Drayton want to give up and crawl back into bed Monday. "God, I'm pathetic," said a disconsolate Drayton, 37, following the tertiary mishap. "This is the third time. The third time." Drayton then sat and stared at the puddle of water on his kitchen counter for eight minutes before getting a roll of paper towels.
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department Of Labor report released Monday, four out of five Americans derive at least a portion of their income from the sale of handmade jewelry. "In the past 10 years, the number of Americans selling or attempting to sell jewelry of their own creation has risen tenfold," Labor Department spokesman Gary Hardwick told reporters. "And, speaking of jewelry, if any reporter here has a girlfriend or wife who might like some lovely dreamcatcher earrings, I'd be happy to show them some of my designs."
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.
ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.